Let's talk about how it's after 2 am, I'm awake and I'm writing this. It's not because I really want to either, it's genuinely because I need to. 20,000 things are constantly going on in my head that confusion through music and clarity through writing are sometimes the only things to calm me down. I have 18 credit hours, a new leadership position, a job back home, future stuff, health stuff, spiritual stuff and relationship stuff. Now the way I just said that makes it seem like it's not that crazy but every single day I'm on the edge of a break down.
Granted, the fault is mine. I chose to take 6 classes, most of them with an extremely heavy reading load that is necessary for grasping the concepts of the course and to receive a decent grade. I chose to revamp the student run radio station. I chose to work on some weekends during the school year. I chose to start my internship research way earlier than I probably needed to. I chose (to an extent) the health issues I deal with. I chose to screw up and deal with my consequences. I chose to be in friendships with the people around me.I chose to worry about things that are beyond my control. I chose this and I completely overestimated myself.
How did I not see that this is most definitely not something that I can handle?
How did I not learn my lesson from last year? Seriously, go read "Defeat is Better than Victory" and you may feel a little nauseous from the déjà vu. Did I think that I learned my lesson about handling things last year so I thought I could manage more than I broke down with last year?
Most of the time, I think that it's God beating into my head to stop being so prideful. And then once again I ask the same question.
HOW HAVE I NOT LEARNED MY LESSON!?
This question is so important that it needs all the typical ways of drawing your eye to something of significance. You would think that by now I would understand how fallen I am, how unqualified I am, how foolish I am, how blatantly stupid I sometimes am but apparently not. How can I go through losing both my parents and major seasons of life since then and still believe I have even a sliver of control?
This is completely ironic but "When A Heart Breaks" by Ben Rector just started playing on my ITunes. For those of you that don't know this song, go look it up but I'll put some lyrics up that made me tear up from relevance:
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don't need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep
This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks
He's right, this isn't easy and this isn't clear. But I don't need Jesus until I'm here. Because a prideful heart won't accept him since I believe I can save the world and not to mention myself. And I guess that's what I've been missing. I can't have Jesus fix me unless I acknowledge I'm broken. He knows I'm broken, He knows how badly I struggle with surviving one day to the next. That's not the point of this, his point is for me to know his heart and to know I'm broken , and there is only one way to do that. So go ahead, break my heart, break my spirit, shatter my expectations because it brings me to you, my true hero. I can pretend that I'm a hero all I want but it won't mean anything because I can't genuinely save myself (despite what I think). So maybe by taking off the mask, stepping out of the costume, and hanging up the cape, I'll be willing to be rescued.
Thank you for taking the time with your stubborn student. Thank you for making sure I understand the joys of being broken. Thank you for making me realize I need you. Thank you for late nights, confusion, doubts, and struggles that break me. Thank you for desiring me and desiring for me to know you and your heart. Thank you for being my hero. Thank you for the opportunity to hang up my cape on your cross. And thank you for in the future when I attempt to take it down again, the chances you will give for me to hang it back up.
