I know, that's not how the verse goes. It goes, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7, NLT)
Maybe that's what I was given, but I am sure, just I am breathing, that it is not what I have.
I have become fearful and anxious, sometimes rightfully so and other times not so much.
It's gotten worse over the years. Last year, I attempted to actually figure out my fears and wrote down what I was afraid of. I recently found that list... it was 45 items long.
45 items long.
And that's not including spiders, or heights, or random things that shouldn't really terrify a grown adult. It's 45 things that bring me to tears, or make my heart race, or make me lose my breath if I start to think about them for too long. And that's a list from a year ago, let's not add fears that have arisen since then.
Is that normal?
Even if it is, I don't think that I should be so afraid.
I hate being so afraid.
But what I hate more are the things we say and do to "conquer" our fears, or to "help" other people with their fears.
"You just need to have more faith."
"Have you tried praying about it?"
"Don't be anxious about anything...."
"You just have to face your fears!"
"You know, the bible mentions fear 365 times, that's enough encouragement for every day!"
Thank you, you've cured me of years of irrational thinking and emotions with your empty attempt to understand my fears and anxieties. Thank you for choosing the option that involves the least amount of effort. Thank you for telling me that my faith isn't strong enough, that helps the situation and fosters an environment for me to grow in our relationship and in my walk. Thank you for your patience in dealing with someone who can't always calm herself down by throwing cliches in her face without thought or consideration.
No, really. Thank you.
You taught me that not everyone is capable of understanding fears or giving encouragement. You taught me that fears are a lot more complex than we try to make them seem and so is trying to overcome them.
So, I still have fears... a lot of them.
But, I'm learning that it takes a lot to become fearless. It takes a lot to be courageous in spite of fear. It takes a lot of patience to undo years of skewed thoughts. It takes a lot to reclaim the spirit of power, love, and self- discipline that I was given. It takes a lot of grace to deal with people who don't understand. It takes a lot of love to cast out fear.
Fear is real, anxiety is real...but so is courage and so is love.
And one day, I will no longer feel like I have a spirit of fear.
