Saturday, December 20, 2014

Reminders

Have you ever been in a place where you need a reminder about what you're doing or who you are? Have you thought that you weren't worthy of your dreams, let alone capable of fulfilling them?

Well, if you haven't, you're the lucky one. And I really do mean one because at some point I think all of us have felt that way at one point or another.

Stupid.

Unworthy.

Failure.

Need I say more? Do you understand what I'm talking about and how I've been feeling lately?

I don't know exactly why I was feeling like this but it was awful. My mind was just constantly saying to me that there was no possible way that I could fulfill my dreams or reach my goals. It was telling me that I'm too sinful for God to use me. That I shouldn't be in school anymore considering this past semester. That I'm not qualified for either of my current jobs or to get the internship that I want at Compassion. That I don't have what it takes to work with Women of Faith, write a book, or start my own non-profit. That I'm not worth the betterment of myself because I'll never get any better. Or that I'm not good enough the way I am  now... well, because I'm not better.

Now how am I going to achieve anything with thoughts like that?

I'm not and I won't.

But after an extremely bad night of this sort of thinking, I got a blessing. I woke up later than I should have for work and I was worried about the "Saturday before Christmas- last minute shopping" traffic. So I rushed to get ready, rushed to make a lunch, rushed to eat a breakfast, rushed to the car and rushed to work... only to get there almost 15 minutes early to sit awkwardly in the parking lot jamming to the radio before I entered the retail chaos.

So I did what any normal person does. I pulled out my phone and checked everything that I didn't have time to check in my rushing. Facebook- normal, Instagram- normal, Gmail-normal. And then my email downloaded more to my inbox.....

There was one email in particular.....

An email from Compassion International HR.

I was afraid that it was going to tell me what I had been convinced of recently.I thought it was going to tell me that  "I wasn't right" or "We're going to go in another direction" or "YOU SUCK". Ok, maybe not the last one but you get my point. But that's not what happened.  It told me that I have been accepted to the next stage of the application process. No, I didn't get the internship...... yet (hopefully). No, I didn't change miraculously overnight. None of my doubts were silenced but it came with a reminder that I desperately needed. It reminded me there is hope. That I can be chosen despite the lies I believe. That I have qualities that prove me to be capable. It reminded me that pretty much everything I've been worrying about is wrong. It was only an update email but it was just the thing I needed.... and I can't wait to see where it goes.


Friday, November 14, 2014

Dear Tenth Avenue North

Dear Tenth Avenue North,
        You probably don't remember me, actually I could almost guarantee that you don't remember me. As a middle schooler, my mom and I made a "green room" for you before you put on a concert at our church. It was probably right after you made "Over and Underneath". You were still selling "God with Us" and "Speaking of Silence" at  your merch table. "Your Love is Life" is still one of my all time favorite songs.  My dad had a conversation with Jason where my dad said "My daughter really likes the Oh, Oh, Oh song"..... he was talking about "Times." Talk about embarrassing. You stayed with us and led worship on the Sunday mornings after the times you were there for your concerts. I bought the CDs and listened to them more than I probably should have.

      But none of that is really the point of this. I'm not trying to be smug and say that I loved you before you were cool or that I'm your number one fan.... Mostly because I think those statements are weird. But I do want to thank you and tell you how much you have changed my life.

      You see, I never heard music like yours and I doubt I will ever hear music like yours again. Your music handles the difficult things. So much of Christian music talks about love and joy and all the positives. While that's all well and good, it's not enough for me. I've been through too much to pretend that rainbows and butterflies are the poster children of Christianity. Your music doesn't shy away from the difficulties. It doesn't shy away from the fact that while I know I am worth something, I still feel as though I'm completely worthless. It doesn't shy away from the brokenness that comes before satisfaction. It doesn't shy away from the desperation and the heart break. It doesn't shy away from the fact that there are days when survival is the only objective. It doesn't shy away from the shame of sin or why I still go back to sin when Jesus is right there. It doesn't shy away that in the midst of every situation there is hope. It doesn't shy away from that fact that I don't deserve anything that God gives me, his grace is more abundant than my downfalls. It doesn't cheapen love or make it seem like we're perfect. I've never seen Christian music be so honest and authentic.

      When you started your music, I just loved it and then I went through life I understood why I loved it. You said in the pamphlet of "Cathedrals", "We don't know where this group of songs finds you, but we have some hopes for where they'll lead." I can't tell you where I'm going but I sure can tell you that each of your albums found me exactly where I was. "Over and Underneath" found me when I needed to know that I am and always will be loved. "Light Meets the Dark" found me in a place where I was struggling to figure out the battle within my heart, what side I would be on and who would win.  "The Struggle" found me when living every day was a great success and when I struggled with sin and it's consequences. "Islands EP" found me on an island of my own creation because of my own pride and stubbornness. And now "Cathedrals", has found me on the journey off my island to becoming his cathedral.

       If I never heard your music, I probably wouldn't be where I am. I would have never realized the beauty of struggling. I never would have learned the depth and unconditionality of real love. I would have never learned that feeling and thinking that I'm less than alright doesn't define me or the way God sees me. I would have thought that I was alone in all my struggles. I would have believed that redemption doesn't win at the end of the day. I would have stilled believe that I am not worth saving and that no one wants to save me.  I would have never survived the deaths of my parents or the battles of my own mind

     I want you to know that your music will never be void of life changing power. And I believe that because I whole heartedly believe that Christ is the reason you  create. You see and know the truth and desire others to do  the same. I still don't think I'm putting into words the magnitude of the impact you have had on my life and my relationship with Christ. I don't think I could ever express how grateful I am for your existence and your music but I needed to try. I don't even know if you will ever see this but I hope you will and I hope you know that you are making a vast difference in lives. Thank you for putting your hearts into words and those words into songs, it has made all the difference.
                 
                                                                                               With all my heart,
                                                                                                        Marilyn

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Hanging Up My Cape

For those of you who know me, even casually, you know that I love superheroes. Heck, if you've heard my name on campus, it was probably followed by the phrase, "Ya know, she's the huge superhero nerd." It's an identity that I'm more than happy to own up to. For those of you who know me on a different and somewhat deeper level, you know why I love superheroes and that I want to be one. For those of you that know me best, you know that I already pretend to be a hero.... and that's where this is starting.

Let's talk about how it's after 2 am, I'm awake and I'm writing this. It's not because I really want to either, it's genuinely because I need to. 20,000 things are constantly going on in my head that confusion through music and clarity through writing are sometimes the only things to calm me down. I have 18 credit hours, a new leadership position, a job back home, future stuff, health stuff, spiritual stuff and relationship stuff. Now the way I just said that makes it seem like it's not that crazy but every single day I'm on the edge of a break down.

Granted, the fault is mine. I chose to take 6 classes, most of them with an extremely heavy reading load that is necessary for grasping the concepts of the course and to receive a decent grade. I chose to revamp the student run radio station. I chose to work on some weekends during the school year. I chose to start my internship research way earlier than I probably needed to. I chose (to an extent) the health issues I deal with. I chose to screw up and deal with my consequences. I chose to be in friendships with the people around me.I chose to worry about things that are beyond my control. I chose this and I completely overestimated myself.

How did I not see that this is most definitely not something that I can handle?

How did I not learn my lesson from last year? Seriously, go read "Defeat is Better than Victory" and you may feel a little nauseous from the déjà vu. Did I think that I learned my lesson about handling things last year so I thought I could manage more than I broke down with last year? 

Most of the time, I think that it's God beating into my head to stop being so prideful. And then once again I ask the same question.

HOW HAVE I NOT LEARNED MY LESSON!?

This question is so important that it needs all the typical ways of drawing your eye to something of significance. You would think that by now I would understand how fallen I am, how unqualified I am, how foolish I am, how blatantly stupid I sometimes am but apparently not. How can I go through losing both my parents and major seasons of life since then and still believe I have even a sliver of control?

This is completely ironic but "When A Heart Breaks" by Ben Rector just started playing on my ITunes. For those of you that don't know this song, go look it up but I'll put some lyrics up that made me tear up from relevance:


I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don't need answers

I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep



This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

He's right, this isn't easy and this isn't clear. But I don't need Jesus until I'm here.  Because a prideful heart won't accept him since I believe I can save the world and not to mention myself. And I guess that's what I've been missing. I can't have Jesus fix me unless I acknowledge I'm broken. He knows I'm broken, He knows how badly I struggle with surviving one day to the next. That's not the point of this, his point is for me to know his heart and to know I'm broken , and there is only one way to do that. So go ahead, break my heart, break my spirit, shatter my expectations because it brings me to you, my true hero. I can pretend that I'm a hero all I want but it won't mean anything because I can't genuinely save myself (despite what I think). So maybe by taking off the mask, stepping out of the costume, and hanging up the cape, I'll be willing to be rescued. 

Thank you for taking the time with your stubborn student. Thank you for making sure I understand the joys of being broken. Thank you for making me realize I need you. Thank you for late nights, confusion, doubts, and struggles that break me. Thank you for desiring me and desiring for me to know you and your heart. Thank you for being my hero. Thank you for the opportunity to hang up my cape on your cross. And thank you for in the future when I attempt to take it down again, the chances you will give for me to hang it back up.  


 

Sunday, June 29, 2014

10 Things I Learned on My Study Abroad

I feel like this is super typical after coming back from a study abroad but I also feel it's super necessary.

I went on a study abroad in March for my spring break and it was probably the best decision that I've ever made. We went to Germany, Poland and Austria. I particularly studied theology of human dignity through the lens of the Holocaust. It was the most heart wrenching thing but it has changed my life in the most positive ways. I learned so much about human dignity and I learned a couple other things. Here is where I will post the couple other things.... And maybe include some deep theological and meaningful things as bonuses. These are listed in no particular order, in case you were wondering.

Number One
At one point or another you will hate almost everyone you travel with.
....and I mean this in the nicest way possible. You will be cranky and hate them. They will be cranky and that's why you hate them. They will make one tiny mistake and you will hate them out of proportion. They will be a cultural blunder and you will hate them appropriately. They could be complete strangers or closest friends BUT YOU WILL HATE THEM. For me, I was actually getting angry that I was getting angry with people. Since the trip was about human dignity, I thought that I shouldn't be frustrated with people. I was getting angry that people wouldn't listen to me, that people wouldn't get out of their comfort zone, that people were inconsiderate, and a multitude of other reasons. But here's the thing, I was probably that person a bunch of times to other people. It just happens when you travel with people and that's okay. It really is ok  to be frustrated, you just can't stay there. You have to get over yourself and love the people that make you angry. Your anger will subside and you may actually gain friends.

Number two
Wander.
I cannot stress this enough. I learned that wandering is one of the greatest thing to do when abroad. It is genuinely ok to reply to someone that asks you the question "what did you do?" with " Nothing, I wandered." Wandering was my favorite part about this trip. It's how I fell in love with the cities and how my heart was torn out in Dachau concentration camp. When we wandered we found an back alley that housed three museums. (Ok, that was intentional wandering but still that place was beautiful.) We found a movie theater back there and amazing street art. We found an art market. We found an adorable coffee shop and then a bistro with amazing food and almost better WiFi. We found a store that sold bow ties  in a random crevasse. We found a Dunkin Donuts, a fountain and a street musician. We  found the greatest paninis and ice cream.  I found a statue that changed my life. I found a poem that changed my perspective. I found  a place of beauty after devastation.  I found perspective.  I would say I found myself in my wanderings. "Not all those that wander are lost." I will never be opposed to wandering.

Number Three
Life is about selfies.... with other people.
When I was in the fifth grade I went on a field trip and came back with a disposable camera filled with pictures. My sister looked through them and told me something probably insignificant to her and she probably doesn't even remember but to me it was incredible. "When you go places, take pictures with people." I think ever since then I kinda live by that motto. Because of this my phone is filled with selfies of me and my friends at various places AND pictures of the beautiful scenery of Europe. But  when I go back years from now and look at my pictures I will never be wishing "Oh I wish I got pictures of that building at that one place." I'll be sitting down, reminiscing about the time that one of my friends dumped Q-tips all over the floor, or when we pretended that the statues were our friends, or when we got those awesome food things in Poland that we can't seem to pronounce, or being ridiculously giddy in the Museum of Communications with my fellow Comm major, OR GETTING ICE CREAM SIX TIMES (absolutely no shame, European ice cream is my fav), or any of the crazy things that happened with my friends over there. I'll never be wondering who I was with or what we were doing because I caught that on camera instead of a building that won't mean anything to me years from now.

Number Four
The most random things can change your life.
This particular random thing was a small statue in the Catholic memorial at the Dachau Concentration Camp. This is one of the places where I wandered by myself for the entire time. I first stopped at the statue that makes bodies look so tangled that they represent barbed wire. It's a powerful image that makes you think and I stood there for a good 10 minutes just studying the statue. How thin they made the people look, how they looked like they were crying for help, how twisted the bodies were. I walked away shaking my head at how awful everything was and continued to wander around Dachau. I eventually made my way to the back of the camp where the Catholic memorial was located. I walked up to it, looked inside and noticed that it was a small statue of Jesus and I was about the walk away. Then I thought "That's interesting that Jesus looks like the bodies of the other statue. Jesus looks like the prisoners." Jesus looked like the prisoners. I started bawling. I have recognized before that because of the torture before the crucifixion Jesus was barely recognizable as a human being. BUT I never made the connection that Jesus was dehumanized, that people attempted to strip Jesus of his dignity. The realization that Jesus still knows where we are and meets us in the middle of despair... even in the middle of a concentration camp.

Number Five
Don't hold on to old adventures.
I've been to Germany before but the last time I was on an army base and was in a small town with cobblestone streets. I was so excited to go back to Germany (especially for the ice cream) but I eventually realized that if I was going to enjoy this trip that I couldn't expect it to be like the last time I was there. I wasn't with my parents, I wasn't 12 and I wasn't going to see my sister. This was going to be an entirely different trip.... and I'm glad I let go of that attitude early on. I've seen it happen that adventures lose their luster because we try to stay in that mindset for as long as possible.Or we ruin it by always wanting to go back to a place and time that no longer exist. Remember the adventures but don't cling to them. Enjoy them for what they were and go on new excursions with

Number Six
Atrocities don't always look like atrocities.
This was actually difficult to wrap my head around. I was shocked when we walked into the concentration camps and they were nicer than I expected them to be and nicer than I wanted them to be. They were organized brick buildings with little lights on the outside. They could have been nice old houses from a time long ago. I wanted them to be disgusting little shacks. I wanted them to be completely falling apart and I wanted them to be dirty. I don't know why I wanted them to be this way but I knew that it made it worse. It made it worse that one of the most devastating events in history took places in camps that had alright brick buildings that were lined up in rows. It was the weirdest feeling and this probably doesn't make sense but I hated it.

Number Seven
Get that one souvenir that will forever remind you of the trip. (Or five.... ok maybe fifteen)
For me that includes rubber duckies, ornaments for a tree, Fanta bottles, a little box and of course, postcards. I'm such a sentimentalist and these items will forever have significant meaning to me because I got them from Europe. I think often times I memories get spotty and forget even the best memories that we ever had.... that's why I take pictures, get souvenirs and become a borderline hoarder. I want to remember everything, not to stay in the past but to see how the past plays into the future. So I will never be ashamed of my love of little souvenirs.... even  $20 worth of German chocolate, Ok I should be slightly ashamed of that one. 

Number Eight
Street performers should be recording artists.
I am so thankful for street performers. I know that they are out there performing in an attempt to make even a small amount of money but they add so much flavor to ordinary life. I remember in Atlanta that I heard a singer standing in the streets and singing "I Can Only Imagine" as loud and as beautifully as he could. I felt like I walked away from that street being forever changed and that's the same feeling I had in Germany. We went for Dunkin one night in Berlin and found a fountain and a man playing guitar. It was quite cold but I never wanted to leave the edge of that fountain. I could sit there forever listening to this man play songs I didn't know and quietly sing along to the songs I recognized. I wanted to take that guy home with me and pay him to play music all day long but unfortunately that didn't happen. I will always remember that moment by the fountain. 

Number Nine
Mom was wrong.... it's ok to stare.
It's still not ok to stare at people but go ahead and stare at other things. Actually, take as long as you want and study the world around you through staring.  If we don't, we miss a lot of the beauty that makes the big picture. We could miss the streaks of color in a flower petal or the textures of a painting. Take the time to take in the ordinary things and realize how amazing the ordinary really can be. I can't tell you how often I just stood in one spot and stated at what was in front of me. To quote the great philosopher, Ferris Bueller, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." He was right and I don't want to miss anything. BRB Imma go stare at some flowers.

Number Ten
The world I came back to didn't actually change, I did.
I think often times that we think that the world we come back to changes but we don't that stays the same but we change. I didn't come back to a different Georgia, I came back a different Marilyn. I came back seeing though different eyes because I gained perspective. I came back with a changed heart because I left pieces in Europe. I am different because I went beyond my comfort zone and went to places that I have never known before. You can't go somewhere new and not be changed. You have tried things, seen things, met people and throughout things that will change a part of who you are... if you let it. If you go into a new place and don't open up to change then you are missing out on one of the greatest experiences. I have changed for the better because of my study abroad and I don't regret a single minute of it. 

Number Eleven....
I can't wait to see where I will go next. :)


Monday, May 19, 2014

If Eminem Can Do It, I Guess It's Time To Do The Same

I'm not an avid Eminem fan. I'll listen to his stuff occasionally on the radio or if he has a song where I think I'm a total beast rapping some of the lyrics.

But this isn't about his rapping.... this is about forgiveness.

Eminem has had a troubled past with his mother. Those troubles have shown up in songs like "Cleanin' Out My Closet" and others throughout his career. The lyrics have probably shown his mother as this absolutely awful person. That's not the same message in his relatively new song "Headlights".
*This version of Headlights is explicit

The first time I heard "Headlights", I was driving home from college. And I just started crying, I never thought an Eminem song could do that to me but it did.

I heard so much hurt, so much regret, so much sadness and even anger. But even more I heard this man being vulnerable enough to say that he was hurt but that he wants to forgive. After a whole life of difficulties and being estranged, he wants to forgive her. This man, who probably has every right for being angry at every wrong doing his mother did to him, wants to FORGIVE her. This man who wasn't raised in a Christian home, didn't go to church every Sunday, and doesn't attend a Christian college like I have wants to forgive his mother .... and I didn't.

I didn't want to forgive her for the years of her life where she was involuntarily sick. I didn't want to forgive her for taking her own life. I didn't want to forgive her for letting me be the one to find her.  I didn't want to forgive her for the unanswered questions. I didn't want to forgive her for the hurt left behind. I didn't want to forgive her for not being there for the big moments of my life. I didn't want to forgive her for leaving me.

At least that's what the last three years of my life have been. Anger, fear, regret, sadness, hurt... All the negative feeling words that should come after tragedy. And then I made a choice.

Towards the end of freshmen year I told my friends that I should probably go to counseling to deal with the effects of my mother's death, little did I know what that would actually mean. I went back to school for my sophomore year and saw that there was going to be a trauma processing group held by the counseling services at school. I kinda rolled my eyes and thought "Geez, God are you saying I have to go to counseling RIGHT NOW??!?!?! Because I'm not sure if I'm up for it." I don't know exactly how but I got up the courage to walk into a group of strangers and willingly gave them the most traumatic part of my life to process with me.

And it changed everything.

I had to relive everything. I had to sit down and write down every fact and feeling about that day. I had to say it out loud. I had to recognize that it's alright that I was hurt... I didn't have to pretend that this was all sunshine and butterflies and an inspirational piece. I had to face that I lost a lot more than just my mother. I learned that even though so much has been lost, it can be restored eventually. I had to sit there and give people the gritty details of how much I was hurt and how much it still hurt. I had to cry. I had to be vulnerable. And I'm so thankful that I did it and I did it with the group that I did. They have forever changed me.

I can look back at the beginning of the year and see that I am no longer the same person but I still feel as though I have so far to go. And another part of that journey happened today.

Because today is the 4th anniversary of my mother's death. It's been four years since Wednesday, May 19th 2010 and today I let go.

I bought "Headlights" and listened to it on repeat. I bought roses and took them to her grave. I couldn't find the grave at first but I starting crying as soon as I did. I knelt down and started cleaning the grass away and couldn't stop saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Mommy. I forgive you." But what I was thinking was:
"I'm so sorry I let it get this far. I'm so sorry I held onto this anger for this long. I forgive you for the hurt. I forgive you for everything that's happened. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't say I love you more. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

I got up and wiped my eyes. I got in my car and drove away, looking back at the roses as I went. I left it there. I took one last look and left it there. I left everything that makes this day awful. I left everything that's been pent up for the past four years. I graduated May 6th from the phases of trauma counseling but today was my tearful moving on ceremony.

I love you Mom and you were there for one of my big moments. I love you and I always have and I always will but I'm not going to hurt anymore because of this. I'm not going to be fearful anymore because of this.

I never thought that Eminem could encourage me to change my life. But I'm here, looking ahead instead of looking at the headlights in the rear view mirror and I'm thankful for Eminem.



Saturday, February 15, 2014

I'm Single, It's Valentine's Day and I'm NOT Grumpy

It's THAT day of the year.(ok well yesterday was THAT day by the time I'm done writing... don't judge me) The one day where couples are supposed to adore each other and singles mostly wallow in pity that they don't have a romantic other.

And every single year before this year I have always been in the second category. Valentine's Day has always been the "WOE IS ME I'M STILL SINGLE AND I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY YEARS LEFT AS A TEENAGER- I'M GONNA DIE ALONE" day.

But this year? It's absolutely different. And maybe that's because I'm not a "teenager" anymore or maybe because I'm "growing up" or maybe it's because I've given up on love entirely. Well, I can tell you it's definitely not the third one. I am still hopelessly, irretrievably in love with the idea of one day falling in love.

But right now that's not my life and I'm hopelessly, irretrievably in love with this life, more than you know.

And I realllllllly hope that someone who is reading this gets my How I Met Your Mother reference.

But back to my life now...

This year has been one of the most internally life-changing years that I have ever known. And because of that I have realized something...

That love is a beautiful gift that can't be rushed, can't be forced, and when it comes it will be the most glorious thing but it must be nurtured.

I have also realized that singleness is a beautiful gift that must be breathed in slowly and taken in for all it's worth.

However, there were days when I was extremely down about not being "in love" and one of those days I was fed up with myself and my pity party. And I wrote this reminder:
                 "'Love' will never save you but LOVE will. You can't expect to be swept off your feet because other people are being swept off theirs. It doesn't make them better and it doesn't make you worth any less. Stop trying to rush things. A relationship should not be your focus right now. You have school. You have your mental health. You have your body. You have your relationship with yourself. You have your relationship with your family. You have your relationship with your friends. And most importantly you have your relationship with God.You have your budget. You have your communication skills. You have your past. You have your struggles, sins and addictions. You have your attitude. You have your housekeeping. You have your selfishness. You have the communication department. You have internships and future jobs. You have all these things to focus on right now that adding a relationship is most definitely NOT the smartest idea. You need to work on you and stop thinking that adding someone to this mess will miraculously change things. You need to be in a relationship to love them out of overflow by serving them and you can't do that if you have all these major issues to figure out. Stop complaining that you don't have a man right now when really it's a blessing for you to get your life together so that later on  you can care about someone to your best ability without all this junk getting in your way. Don't forget that there is absolutely no way in heaven or earth that you can possibly do this on your own. If you ever feel like you can do it on your own you messed up big time, reevaluate again. YOU are not ready, other people being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that they are ready either. It may just mean that they will have more problems to deal with at once and you can spend your focus on figuring out life. The single life is not to be just waiting, you need to be working out all the things that are in your life and not wait for someone who you only think will fix your problems. And disappearing is not the solution, you need to face things head on and take things by the horns. No excuses or putting this off until later in life. You are here and you are single here for a very good reason. You need to embrace all that being single allows you to do right now where God has you, in this place and in this time. Live your life now and not in anticipation of the future relationships you might have. Figure out what you want and stop looking for it. It will come but you have things to do in the meantime."

And I'm sorry that that reminder was so long but sometimes you need to give yourself these pep talks that will kick your butt into motion.... and that's exactly what has happened.

Ever since I made the decision to change things, life has been so much more enjoyable than I ever imagined.

  • My relationships are better
  • I'm getting better at taking care of household chores
  • I'm making healthier changes for my body (drinking more water, vitamins, TRYING to exercise daily, etc)
  • I'm making healthier choices for my mind and soul such as recognizing when I need to relax 
  • I'm making changes to the way I do my schoolwork
  • I'm genuinely happier
  • I'm more willing to take chances and go on adventures
  • I'm learning more 
  • I'm letting go of old jealously and bitterness
  • I'm learning what it means to love and serve with a sincere heart
  • I'm narrowing down my option of what I want to do as a future career
  • I'm getting to know myself and genuinely loving all that entails
  • Jesus ... I don't really need to say more
And the craziest things started to happen with these small but influential changes...

I STOPPED WORRYING ABOUT TRYING TO FIND THE PERFECT MAN.

And I didn't even realize it. I was so wrapped up in living that I forgot that apparently I'm "missing" something that is "completely necessary" for happiness and completion... I really want to make my sarcasm clear on this point. 

It's so crazy that a common theme that has recently been in my life is one of going in the opposite direction of what seems to be the thing that makes everyone happy and finding a greater joy somewhere else. We're told that we have to have complete control in order for happiness and I found joy when I let go. We're told that we need someone in order to be complete and I have never felt more content with life than right now. 

So this Valentine's Day, instead of wallowing in self pity, rolling my eyes at couples, groaning at all the gushy love and complaining... I'm loving life. I enjoyed the learning in my classes. I gave funny Valentine's cards to people. I took a fantastic nap. I went to my prof's house with my friends and hung out with her kids so she and her husband could go on a date. I drank sparkling apple cider in champagne glasses with sugar on the rim (SUPER CLASSY, RIGHT?!?). I got chocolate covered strawberries. I watched A Cinderella Story, Valentine's Day and Tangled. I went to Walmart at midnight with my friends to get all the Valentine's candy half off. I  swooned over how cute some couples are. I loved my friends and I loved loving them. I loved taking in the beauty of a day in going the extra mile to show how much you care about people despite it being twisted for profit. I got to sit down and blog about something that has always been such a struggle in my life. Seriously, I'm so tired right now finishing this at 3 am but I wouldn't have traded this day or any of my days for anything. I have trials, tragedies, stress, and loneliness but the greatest joy has been found in the midst of  it all.

LOVE really has saved me and it hasn't been the "love" of a significant other. It's been the love that God has shown me through his divine character that instills in me a desire to change and to love in return. It's the love that he has given me to love myself and to love others that has changed my actions. It's the love he has for others and the love of other people that make me want to love them better. It's the love of life that makes me want to love it in ways that I have never known before. It's LOVE that has brought me joy.

So now it's the day after Valentine's Day, I am still single and still abundantly joyful with all that life is offering me right now in this very moment.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!