It's the least wonderful time of the year.
It's the time for things to grow, relationships to start, babies to be born, weddings to be planned and for the papers to be written, the nights to not be used for sleeping but work, the projects to be stressed over, the relationships to fall apart, the fallen humans to mess up, the goodbyes for good to happen.
If I'm honest, I'm at my wits end and this isn't even a difficult semester (compared to the last one at least). I'm just done and I know that many of my friends and fellow college students are right here with me. I know because we post Buzzfeed articles to laugh at it but we're one typo in our paper from not being able to recover to emotional stability. I know because this is college and this is what happens, every year, without fail. And we all say the same thing to each other....
IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
And you know what? It probably will be. I will lose sleep, drink too much coffee, be hurt, hurt others, meet clean-up requirements, hand in assignments, pass my finals, pass my classes and say goodbye to some of my best friends. That will all happen and I will survive and I will look back and laugh at how stressed I was.
But right now? When I'm struggling to find motivation, the words, the time, sleep, and my sanity... I'm struggling.
It's okay that it's not okay. I would prefer that it would be okay but that's not how this whole college thing or even life thing works.
And in the midst of things not being okay, I will sit here. I will cry, scream, write, pray and trust. Trust that I'm not alone in my struggle or in my desire for things to be okay again. Trust that God is going to be here even when it doesn't seem like He's here. Trust that what I'm feeling is valid. Trust that sometimes emotions lie. Trust that I am going to make it through this semester even when I feel like a failure. Trust that no one is against me or wants to see me fail. Trust that it will be okay.
It's not okay, but it will be.... but in the meantime, it's okay to not be okay.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Friday, April 10, 2015
To Be Fully Known and Truly Loved
I love quotes. I have had an obsession with two quotes in particular recently. They have to do with love but I don't think it would be what you're expecting, so here they are:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."- C.S. Lewis
And the second....
"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.- Timothy Keller
So that is my goal:
To be vulnerable.
To give someone the chance to fully know me.
To give myself the chance to be truly loved.
To fully know and truly love others.
I'm not even talking about a romantic relationship. I'm talking about any relationship that matters. Any relationship that is remotely deeper than a "Hey, how are you? Good?! Okay, bye" type of relationship.
People deserve to see the real me. They deserve to know the person I am when I'm joyful, when I feel like my world is crashing around me, when I'm angry. They deserve more than just a shadow of who I am. They deserve a person of flesh and blood in front of them with feelings, thoughts, dreams, fears, opinions and questions. They deserve to know a person who they can come to and share their life with. They deserve to be trusted with who I am.
They are worth trusting.
I am worth knowing.
There is nothing about me that makes me not worth knowing. There is no sin, no mistake, no experience that deems me unworthy of love and unworthy of being known by another human being. I am not just skin and bones. I am not just my past or my future. I am not just any one thing. I am a complex and interwoven tapestry where each thread is crucial to the bigger picture.
But to trust someone with the intricate details of my picture is terrifying. Why would I take the chance that they would decide that who I am isn't worth the effort of knowing and loving? I wouldn't. But should I take that chance? The answer is absolutely. But why?
Because without vulnerability we cannot be loved.
Because I deserve to be fully known and truly love. I am worthy of being fully known and truly loved
And it is the same for them.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."- C.S. Lewis
And the second....
"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.- Timothy Keller
So that is my goal:
To be vulnerable.
To give someone the chance to fully know me.
To give myself the chance to be truly loved.
To fully know and truly love others.
I'm not even talking about a romantic relationship. I'm talking about any relationship that matters. Any relationship that is remotely deeper than a "Hey, how are you? Good?! Okay, bye" type of relationship.
People deserve to see the real me. They deserve to know the person I am when I'm joyful, when I feel like my world is crashing around me, when I'm angry. They deserve more than just a shadow of who I am. They deserve a person of flesh and blood in front of them with feelings, thoughts, dreams, fears, opinions and questions. They deserve to know a person who they can come to and share their life with. They deserve to be trusted with who I am.
They are worth trusting.
I am worth knowing.
There is nothing about me that makes me not worth knowing. There is no sin, no mistake, no experience that deems me unworthy of love and unworthy of being known by another human being. I am not just skin and bones. I am not just my past or my future. I am not just any one thing. I am a complex and interwoven tapestry where each thread is crucial to the bigger picture.
But to trust someone with the intricate details of my picture is terrifying. Why would I take the chance that they would decide that who I am isn't worth the effort of knowing and loving? I wouldn't. But should I take that chance? The answer is absolutely. But why?
Because without vulnerability we cannot be loved.
Because I deserve to be fully known and truly love. I am worthy of being fully known and truly loved
And it is the same for them.
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