It's been a little rough recently, raise your hand if you know exactly what I'm talking about. The kind of rough were it seems as though everything is too much and you should be a professional juggler at this point because of all that's going on. You're doing everything you think you can and it's just seems to be not enough.
I failed a test I thought I thoroughly studied for, I didn't finish a paper I thought was going to do well on, I can't figure out if what I have wanted to do as a career is still where I should be heading, I'm trying to figure out how to responsibly use money within a budget, I'm worrying about upcoming assignments, I'm trying for the first time to process what the past three years have been, I'm trying to create better habits for my sake, I have health issues that are worrying me, I'm trying to figure out friendships and relationships in general, and I'm trying to figure out myself.
Key Words: I'm trying.
It hasn't really been working out for me because well I didn't really know... until I pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday night and experienced Thursday.
It was at that point where I literally could do nothing else on my assignment and it was my own fault. I walked in to class feeling completely defeated. I failed my own expectations and I failed my professor's. I've been doing a lot of failing my own expectations lately. Later that day, I tripped and fell on my way to small group. Then I started falling asleep in class and I missed my last class because my body decided to crash. I took a nap and when I woke up I made my way to group counseling. In counseling we had to share one of those "if you really knew me" statements. It wasn't something incredibly deep but I broke down in tears and couldn't get the words out. All of it just made me angry, I couldn't do what I expected myself to do. My pride was hurt, I couldn't even walk on flat ground without falling down and I couldn't say a simple sentence without emotionally breaking down.
Crying in counseling was my last straw. I just accepted defeat. I gave up and it's not because I don't care about anything that's going on right now but I literally can't do it on my own anymore.
Accepting defeat was the best thing I could have done....
I'm always trying, always worrying, always attempting to take the whole weight of the world on my shoulders and most importantly.... always failing.
I'm not made to believe that I can do anything and everything, or to worry, or to carry the weight of the world. I'm made to try my hardest but only to a certain degree. I'm not made to carry all my problems. I'm made to be dependent on God and to share my burdens with others. I'm made to face everything with confidence, but only the confidence that I'm not doing this alone. I've been doing this on my own for far too long.I was focused so much on doing everything I could do that I didn't leave room for God to work. I wouldn't let him carry me or my burdens. I had to do this by myself. So he let me think I could do this.... just waiting for me to learn that it's impossible.
So here I am, admitting that I was wrong. I can't do everything, I can't live up to my expectations, I can't live up to other's expectations and I certainly can't handle this. BUT I'm also saying that admitting defeat is the greatest victory. I'm free. I can fully look at my life and know that I never have to do everything, I never have to try to live up to perfection, I don't always have to say yes, and I NEVER have to do this alone. In that knowledge I can give this up to God to handle and know that he has whatever is best for me in his plans. When you realize that what you used to consider victory is holding you back, holding you in chains and causing you to feel like you can never win you realize that it's time to lose. It's time to lose control, lose the illusion of perfection, lose the heavy feeling in your chest, lose the feeling that you are never good enough, lose the stress, and lose the battle with yourself. When you lose these you win. You win freedom, you win grace, you win peace, and you win the war within yourself because you decided it wasn't your war to fight on your own anymore.
Defeat is better than victory because my defeat is God's victory. He's won me over, so I never really lost at all.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
From Candy to Presents....Skipping the Turkey
Halloween was one week and three days ago, but you wouldn't be able to guess that by the Christmas music playing and the trees starting to line the windows. As soon as we hang up our costumes the next big event is already underway by hanging up the ornaments...
but we're skipping something here.
I'll give you a hint. It's the fourth Thursday in November, it normally involves a huge family dinner and a couple days off from school to recover.
If you didn't guess Thanksgiving, this may be a bigger problem than I anticipated.
On October 31st we have our parties and we go trick or treating and have a grand old time having as much fun as we can and getting as much candy as we can. I don't care if your five or one hundred, I know you want candy on Halloween.
On November 1st it turns into an entirely different scene. We start hanging up the lights, shopping for presents and turning up the holly jolly tunes.
We completely disregard the twenty-something days of the Thanksgiving season.
I think this has to do with the idea of our individualistic society. It's all about what I can get and how much more I need or think I need. We rarely take a minute to be grateful for what we have. If we're single we want to be in a relationship. If we're in a relationship we want the other one to conform to our standards of what we want them to be. If we have nice things we always want better. We always want more more more because it's about what I want and think I need. And that's just it. What have we turned Halloween into? What have we turned Christmas into?
Halloween has turned into a competition of who has the best parties, the best costume, the creepiest decorations, the most candy. It's all about me. It's all about leaving responsibilities and having a crazy good time.
Christmas has been turned into the same thing. At least a small part of us is (or should be) excited for the true meaning of Christmas and getting gifts for other people that make them smile. But we all know that we are eagerly looking forward to whatever new item we are going to unwrap from the shiny paper. It's turned into something that's about me. I have to get the best presents, I need to get the best or most expensive presents for other people. It's turned into nothing more than getting a good sale and then getting good presents.
And that's why we skip Thanksgiving...
Because Thanksgiving is the time where we are supposed to focus on what we have that we love, not what we think we lack. And even if we don't love everything in our life we should still be thankful that we even get to wake up everyday and get caught up in the new adventures of that day. We should be thankful for the people that have come into our lives and taught us lessons or became blessings. We should be sitting beside our family members... serving them, loving them, laughing with them, and genuinely enjoying who they are as people. It should be a time to reflect on and be thankful for where we have been, how far we have come and the new opportunities that are going to come in our future.
But we don't want to be thankful.
We want to want more. We don't want to be grateful, satisfied, or thankful. Our nature is to think for ourselves and to always want for ourselves. It's not natural for us to to think of others. It's not natural for us to be selfless. It's not natural for us to be content with what we have. It's not natural for us to be thankful. It's hard to go against our nature and to choose to see things differently in our lives.
That's right, I said it was a choice and that it's going to be difficult....But it's worth it.
Because when you start to shift your thinking to be thankful and content, you enjoy life more. That candy becomes sweeter, the turkey becomes even more delicious and those presents become special... you thought about what was truly important about each of these and you made these things and people special. Instead of thinking about what you don't have you think of everything in a new light, and that is what makes life worth living. It may add a couple of calories to your plate but it's definitely time to stop skipping the turkey.
but we're skipping something here.
I'll give you a hint. It's the fourth Thursday in November, it normally involves a huge family dinner and a couple days off from school to recover.
If you didn't guess Thanksgiving, this may be a bigger problem than I anticipated.
On October 31st we have our parties and we go trick or treating and have a grand old time having as much fun as we can and getting as much candy as we can. I don't care if your five or one hundred, I know you want candy on Halloween.
On November 1st it turns into an entirely different scene. We start hanging up the lights, shopping for presents and turning up the holly jolly tunes.
We completely disregard the twenty-something days of the Thanksgiving season.
I think this has to do with the idea of our individualistic society. It's all about what I can get and how much more I need or think I need. We rarely take a minute to be grateful for what we have. If we're single we want to be in a relationship. If we're in a relationship we want the other one to conform to our standards of what we want them to be. If we have nice things we always want better. We always want more more more because it's about what I want and think I need. And that's just it. What have we turned Halloween into? What have we turned Christmas into?
Halloween has turned into a competition of who has the best parties, the best costume, the creepiest decorations, the most candy. It's all about me. It's all about leaving responsibilities and having a crazy good time.
Christmas has been turned into the same thing. At least a small part of us is (or should be) excited for the true meaning of Christmas and getting gifts for other people that make them smile. But we all know that we are eagerly looking forward to whatever new item we are going to unwrap from the shiny paper. It's turned into something that's about me. I have to get the best presents, I need to get the best or most expensive presents for other people. It's turned into nothing more than getting a good sale and then getting good presents.
And that's why we skip Thanksgiving...
Because Thanksgiving is the time where we are supposed to focus on what we have that we love, not what we think we lack. And even if we don't love everything in our life we should still be thankful that we even get to wake up everyday and get caught up in the new adventures of that day. We should be thankful for the people that have come into our lives and taught us lessons or became blessings. We should be sitting beside our family members... serving them, loving them, laughing with them, and genuinely enjoying who they are as people. It should be a time to reflect on and be thankful for where we have been, how far we have come and the new opportunities that are going to come in our future.
But we don't want to be thankful.
We want to want more. We don't want to be grateful, satisfied, or thankful. Our nature is to think for ourselves and to always want for ourselves. It's not natural for us to to think of others. It's not natural for us to be selfless. It's not natural for us to be content with what we have. It's not natural for us to be thankful. It's hard to go against our nature and to choose to see things differently in our lives.
That's right, I said it was a choice and that it's going to be difficult....But it's worth it.
Because when you start to shift your thinking to be thankful and content, you enjoy life more. That candy becomes sweeter, the turkey becomes even more delicious and those presents become special... you thought about what was truly important about each of these and you made these things and people special. Instead of thinking about what you don't have you think of everything in a new light, and that is what makes life worth living. It may add a couple of calories to your plate but it's definitely time to stop skipping the turkey.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Why I Finally Joined the Blogging World
The new way to reach this modern generation is through the screen that's in front of them, whether that be a computer, a tablet, a phone or one of the thousand screens that we look at multiple times a minute. It's the way we learn, relate, love, and sometimes we even find ourselves out here.
And that's why I'm here... finally.
It's taken a while but I truly believe in the power that a blog can have on a vast audience. I hope that I can just reach one person by telling my story, spilling my jumbled mind and voicing things that matter to me.
I came into this for a few reasons...
First of all it's for myself to learn. It's to learn how to express my opinion without attacking others. It's to learn how to gracefully be wrong and humbly be right. It's to learn to vocalize my views in a way that makes sense to myself and probably a majority of everyday internet users.
Second, I hope it's for others to learn. I love knowledge and finding new ways to see anything and everything. I hope that just one post can make one person think about something differently, if they have then it's been worth it.
Third, it's to organize my mind. Lately, I've been plagued with thinking so much about things that I can't focus on school work and other things that I NEED to remember. If I can write it down, it can leave my thoughts and allow room to focus on other subjects.
Fourth, I think that this will look good later on. If I can say that I successfully ran a coherent blog, it can be just another stepping stone in the world of working in communications. (Especially with corporations looking for people involved in social media).
Fifth, I want to relate. This is how we connect with others, across the world and in the blink of an eye. It will be a great experience living life and relating with people from down the street to across the continent to even on the other side of the world.
Sixth, I want this to be a place where logic and emotion collide. I want people to think consciously about what is going on and combine that with the fire inside to a point where change is no longer an option but a necessity. I want this to be a place where laughter and tears combine.
Finally, I think it's a good start in trying to tell my story thus far and figuring out the rest of my untold tale. I can write down what God is doing, where I'm failing, where I'm succeeding and where this crazy life is taking me.
I want to set some guidelines for myself as I start on this entirely new venture, and hopefully posting them here will help keep me accountable.
1. I DON'T want to attack
I want to provoke thought and discussions that will change myself and readers. I will TRY to do this in a way that does not attack individuals or groups of people. I know that I may fail and probably will but I will try my best to uphold a truthful approach with love.
2. I DO want to prod
If I leave my blog unchanged or not thinking, that means others will do the same. I want to ignite something that maybe people haven't thought about before or at least come at it from a different perspective.
3. I WILL share MY opinion
There would be no point in this if I was going to share things that I didn't believe in. I know that sometimes people will disagree and cause ruckus. If I say something, I will stand by it and defend it.
BUT...
4. I WILL be humble
This is where I recognize my views are different from others and that sometimes I'm not right. This will be a challenge but it is a necessary one.
This is going to be a crazy ride for myself and hopefully anyone who reads my posts. I'm hoping one day that I can go back to right now and realize how much everything has changed and how much I've grown. I'm ready to trade and transform. I'm ready to be vulnerable and learn who I am, who God is, who everyone else is, and what is going on in this amazing place of my life. I can't wait to see where this leads.
And that's why I'm here... finally.
It's taken a while but I truly believe in the power that a blog can have on a vast audience. I hope that I can just reach one person by telling my story, spilling my jumbled mind and voicing things that matter to me.
I came into this for a few reasons...
First of all it's for myself to learn. It's to learn how to express my opinion without attacking others. It's to learn how to gracefully be wrong and humbly be right. It's to learn to vocalize my views in a way that makes sense to myself and probably a majority of everyday internet users.
Second, I hope it's for others to learn. I love knowledge and finding new ways to see anything and everything. I hope that just one post can make one person think about something differently, if they have then it's been worth it.
Third, it's to organize my mind. Lately, I've been plagued with thinking so much about things that I can't focus on school work and other things that I NEED to remember. If I can write it down, it can leave my thoughts and allow room to focus on other subjects.
Fourth, I think that this will look good later on. If I can say that I successfully ran a coherent blog, it can be just another stepping stone in the world of working in communications. (Especially with corporations looking for people involved in social media).
Fifth, I want to relate. This is how we connect with others, across the world and in the blink of an eye. It will be a great experience living life and relating with people from down the street to across the continent to even on the other side of the world.
Sixth, I want this to be a place where logic and emotion collide. I want people to think consciously about what is going on and combine that with the fire inside to a point where change is no longer an option but a necessity. I want this to be a place where laughter and tears combine.
Finally, I think it's a good start in trying to tell my story thus far and figuring out the rest of my untold tale. I can write down what God is doing, where I'm failing, where I'm succeeding and where this crazy life is taking me.
I want to set some guidelines for myself as I start on this entirely new venture, and hopefully posting them here will help keep me accountable.
1. I DON'T want to attack
I want to provoke thought and discussions that will change myself and readers. I will TRY to do this in a way that does not attack individuals or groups of people. I know that I may fail and probably will but I will try my best to uphold a truthful approach with love.
2. I DO want to prod
If I leave my blog unchanged or not thinking, that means others will do the same. I want to ignite something that maybe people haven't thought about before or at least come at it from a different perspective.
3. I WILL share MY opinion
There would be no point in this if I was going to share things that I didn't believe in. I know that sometimes people will disagree and cause ruckus. If I say something, I will stand by it and defend it.
BUT...
4. I WILL be humble
This is where I recognize my views are different from others and that sometimes I'm not right. This will be a challenge but it is a necessary one.
This is going to be a crazy ride for myself and hopefully anyone who reads my posts. I'm hoping one day that I can go back to right now and realize how much everything has changed and how much I've grown. I'm ready to trade and transform. I'm ready to be vulnerable and learn who I am, who God is, who everyone else is, and what is going on in this amazing place of my life. I can't wait to see where this leads.
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