Love the Unwilling

I am the unwilling.

Not because I want to be, but in response to my circumstances, I have built a girl who is unable to trust, unwilling to accept love.  My mind has built this reality where love is rarely genuine, it is only charity, only pity, to the poor little girl who lost her parents. Sometimes I wear the identity of "orphan girl" proudly because it has drastically changed my life. And in some ways, rightfully so. Who could lose both parents at the age of sixteen and remain the same? In some ways it has made me a better person. I can wear that identity proudly because in a sense I am no longer an orphan. Yes, my mother and father died, but I have been "adopted" by so many people along the way. And as cheesy as it sounds, adopted by God.

Other times I try so hard to hide that my parents aren't here anymore. I try very hard for the rest of who I am to outshine the (for lack of a better word) "damaged" part of me. I try to let you see that I am funny, artistic, intelligent, nerdy, and everything else that I am before you get to see what death has done to my heart. Before you see the parts that I so desperately want change. The girl who is incredibly prideful and has a skewed view of independence. The one who is sarcastic and sassy and often rude in an attempt to keep people at a distance. The girl who became anxious about her future. The girl who is fearful of people and their paths of destruction... and their paths of grace.

Honestly, their grace is something that I am more fearful of most of the time. It's when they serve me when I believe that I am supposed to do it on my own. It's when they yell at me to share my life rather than living in self-inflicted isolation. It's when I try to keep track of what I "owe" in the relationship and it comes to a point where it's too much. It's when they give a response of kindness when I'm expecting anger. It's when they love me so well that it brings me to tears and humbles me.

It's when I feel like I have given them a million reasons to leave, and they choose to stay.

It's those moments that have changed me. It's those moments where I have seen that people can truly reflect the love of Christ. It's the moments that surprise me that have forced me to break down my walls brick by brick. It's those moments that ever so slowly change my heart.

I need to love the unwilling.

Because I have seen what love can do. Because I have seen that love and grace change things, change people... change me.

Because what I have been given, I need to give to others.

And it's not easy, not even a little bit.

I have seen people walk away when I try to support them. I have yelled at them to share their life because I can't guess what's going on. I have given them things and they keep trying to pay me back. I have sat and cried with them when they have expected judgment.

It's frustrating to stay sometimes. But I'm begging you, please stay. I promise that walls will come down. I promise that trust will be established. I promise that hearts will change, including your own. I promise that the love of Christ you show will not come back void. It may not be tomorrow, next week, a month from now or even years down the road. You may not even see the results, but love changes things... It changes everything. 

I still fight love. 

I will drag my feet when I have to be vulnerable. 

I will say no multiple times before accepting something. 

I won't cry in front of you because I feel I'm weak. 

It's my instinct. 

So, I'm fighting for love. 

I'm fighting to believe that you genuinely love me. 

I'm fighting to believe that our relationship isn't pity or charity. 

I'm fighting to love you the way that you love me. 

I'm fighting so one day I will no longer be unwilling. 

I am the unwilling... But love is changing me.  

For When Joy Isn't Easy

There are nights that you never want to end, the laughter echos for the longest time.
There are days that are extremely mundane, but they are "the best days of your life".

There are nights where you beg for morning to come quicker just to say you've made it another day.
There are days where 2 pm feels like darkness suffocating you.

There are days, weeks, and months where you don't feel like yourself. Where regret, fear, and emptiness sink in and make their home in your chest.

There are semesters where you stare at your blank documents for assignments that were due forever ago, but you just can't string words into sentences.

There are times when people ask how you're doing and you answer "ehhh" because you don't really know the problem or how to explain something you don't understand yourself.

There are times when you are irritable with the people you love most and hurt them without intending to and without reason.

Sometimes you just think it's a bad attitude day but you know that it's so much deeper than that.

Sometimes you need to convince yourself that in spite of your muscles shaking, your heart racing, your chest heaving, that today is a good day.

Sometimes joy needs to be replaced with rage.

Because "Rage, rage against the dying of the light", even when taken completely out of context, reminds me to stay.
Because there are times when you can still laugh, but it doesn't feel the same.
Because there are times when you don't recognize yourself.
Because there are times when people will say "but you seem fine" as to rationalize away the internal struggle.
Because this isn't trivial.
Because sometimes you're in a better place than you were and you are still struggling.
Because fighting to stay is one of the most difficult fights.
Because fighting to feel alive after you have promised to stay is just as difficult.

Because I am angry.
I am angry that fear and anxiety are my normals.
I am angry that laughing is always seen as a sign of vitality.
I am angry that existing is so difficult sometimes.
I am angry that better doesn't always mean completely healed.

Because I want more.
I want to excel not just to do okay.
I want to be consistently joyful not just temporarily happy.

Because I have been here before and won.
I was here in high school.
I was here when my mother was gone too quickly.
I was here when I slowly said goodbye to my father.
I was here when I dealt with shame.

I won because God is still in the business of redemption.

Because He is a good, good Father.
Because He loves me when I feel distant.
Because I need him more than my stubborn and prideful self would care to admit.
Because He rescues the lost.
Because He can give me joy in the midst of darkness.

So, when joy isn't easy.....
I choose to laugh at my embarrassing moments.
I choose to sing that He is a good, good Father over and over.
I choose to dance in the parking lot even when security gives me weird looks.
I choose to take stupid pictures in an art museum that look like I'm doing the chicken dance.
I choose to be grateful in prayers that bring me to tears.
I choose to write to bring peace to my heart.
I choose to share stupid Tweets and Facebook posts that make me giggle.
I choose to watch Pride and Prejudice 1,000 times because I love it most ardently.
I choose to be around people who encourage, forgive, love, understand and pray.
I choose to give more of my heart to be transformed by a love so indescribable.
I choose to see another day.
I choose to continue to struggle for joy.