One Last Time

I'm an avid How I Met Your Mother fan. I've seen every episode, cried at so many moments, laughed at others, saved a playlist of songs featured in the show, use some of their "theories" in real life, have arguments about the finale, wrote papers on it for a comm class, have a favorite season, episode, and monologue. I'm overly obsessed with it and as I wrote those things I see that it may be a problem but it's fine, I'm good.

Anyways, I was watching the ninth season and there's this episode where Ted makes a list of things he wants to do one last time before he leaves New York. I started crying because it reminded me so much of what I wanted to do with my last month of college.

• Make sure I go to Big Biscuit one last time
• Hike to Little Falls one last time
• Do an all-nighter for a major Comm paper with friends one last time
• Go to Java Station one last time
• Have a heart to heart on the swing by the falls one last time
• Star gaze at Broken Bridges one last time.  
• Jump in the pond when it's too cold one last time

And there are so many other things that I want to do with this last month, so many things that I need to do. 

But they are things that I don't want to do for the last time. I don't want to say goodbye to these types of moments.

Lily is often the voice of reason for Ted in the show and gives him all these lectures about what he needs to do, including this one:

"You wrote down all these things to say goodbye to. But so many of them are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost. To all the times that was a no instead of a yes. To all the scrapes and bruises. To all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time. But don't go have one last scotch with Barney... Have the first scotch, toasting Barney's new life. Because that's a good thing, and the good things will always be here waiting for you."

College has been amazing, but there are so many things that couldn't have been further from amazing. The moments where I had to remind myself to breathe to just survive. The moments when I thought I was going to lose my friends. The moments when I was hurt because of  the selfishness of others. The moments when I felt like I wasn't good enough. The moments when I couldn't bring myself to do the quality work I knew I was capable of. The moments when I isolated myself.  The moments when I felt like I failed the ones I love because of my poor decisions. These are the types of things that I want to happen for the last time, even though realistically I know it won't be. 

This next stage of life is something that I should be looking forward to with anticipation, despite how much I hate the idea of uncertainty. This is a time that is also full of hellos. So many things will be changing. But the good things? The friendships with mutual investment?  The growth that came from all the bad moments? The laughs and memories that have happened in Toccoa? These are all good things. This life that I have built is a good life. The people that I have chosen to build this life with are good people. Maybe the types of moments that I will have will change but the things that really matter are the things that will be waiting for me. The people that love me will be with me, even when separated by distance. Growth will always happen, but only if I let it. 

I'm going to have a lot of "one last time" moments over the next month. I look forward to treasuring them for what they are but I look forward to only saying goodbye to the moments that deserve to be had for the last time. I'm excited to say that some things will happen one last time. I'm also excited for the "first times" that are going to be coming. 

One month, make it count.