It's been a little rough recently, raise your hand if you know exactly what I'm talking about. The kind of rough were it seems as though everything is too much and you should be a professional juggler at this point because of all that's going on. You're doing everything you think you can and it's just seems to be not enough.
I failed a test I thought I thoroughly studied for, I didn't finish a paper I thought was going to do well on, I can't figure out if what I have wanted to do as a career is still where I should be heading, I'm trying to figure out how to responsibly use money within a budget, I'm worrying about upcoming assignments, I'm trying for the first time to process what the past three years have been, I'm trying to create better habits for my sake, I have health issues that are worrying me, I'm trying to figure out friendships and relationships in general, and I'm trying to figure out myself.
Key Words: I'm trying.
It hasn't really been working out for me because well I didn't really know... until I pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday night and experienced Thursday.
It was at that point where I literally could do nothing else on my assignment and it was my own fault. I walked in to class feeling completely defeated. I failed my own expectations and I failed my professor's. I've been doing a lot of failing my own expectations lately. Later that day, I tripped and fell on my way to small group. Then I started falling asleep in class and I missed my last class because my body decided to crash. I took a nap and when I woke up I made my way to group counseling. In counseling we had to share one of those "if you really knew me" statements. It wasn't something incredibly deep but I broke down in tears and couldn't get the words out. All of it just made me angry, I couldn't do what I expected myself to do. My pride was hurt, I couldn't even walk on flat ground without falling down and I couldn't say a simple sentence without emotionally breaking down.
Crying in counseling was my last straw. I just accepted defeat. I gave up and it's not because I don't care about anything that's going on right now but I literally can't do it on my own anymore.
Accepting defeat was the best thing I could have done....
I'm always trying, always worrying, always attempting to take the whole weight of the world on my shoulders and most importantly.... always failing.
I'm not made to believe that I can do anything and everything, or to worry, or to carry the weight of the world. I'm made to try my hardest but only to a certain degree. I'm not made to carry all my problems. I'm made to be dependent on God and to share my burdens with others. I'm made to face everything with confidence, but only the confidence that I'm not doing this alone. I've been doing this on my own for far too long.I was focused so much on doing everything I could do that I didn't leave room for God to work. I wouldn't let him carry me or my burdens. I had to do this by myself. So he let me think I could do this.... just waiting for me to learn that it's impossible.
So here I am, admitting that I was wrong. I can't do everything, I can't live up to my expectations, I can't live up to other's expectations and I certainly can't handle this. BUT I'm also saying that admitting defeat is the greatest victory. I'm free. I can fully look at my life and know that I never have to do everything, I never have to try to live up to perfection, I don't always have to say yes, and I NEVER have to do this alone. In that knowledge I can give this up to God to handle and know that he has whatever is best for me in his plans. When you realize that what you used to consider victory is holding you back, holding you in chains and causing you to feel like you can never win you realize that it's time to lose. It's time to lose control, lose the illusion of perfection, lose the heavy feeling in your chest, lose the feeling that you are never good enough, lose the stress, and lose the battle with yourself. When you lose these you win. You win freedom, you win grace, you win peace, and you win the war within yourself because you decided it wasn't your war to fight on your own anymore.
Defeat is better than victory because my defeat is God's victory. He's won me over, so I never really lost at all.
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