But this isn't about his rapping.... this is about forgiveness.
Eminem has had a troubled past with his mother. Those troubles have shown up in songs like "Cleanin' Out My Closet" and others throughout his career. The lyrics have probably shown his mother as this absolutely awful person. That's not the same message in his relatively new song "Headlights".
*This version of Headlights is explicit
The first time I heard "Headlights", I was driving home from college. And I just started crying, I never thought an Eminem song could do that to me but it did.
I heard so much hurt, so much regret, so much sadness and even anger. But even more I heard this man being vulnerable enough to say that he was hurt but that he wants to forgive. After a whole life of difficulties and being estranged, he wants to forgive her. This man, who probably has every right for being angry at every wrong doing his mother did to him, wants to FORGIVE her. This man who wasn't raised in a Christian home, didn't go to church every Sunday, and doesn't attend a Christian college like I have wants to forgive his mother .... and I didn't.
I didn't want to forgive her for the years of her life where she was involuntarily sick. I didn't want to forgive her for taking her own life. I didn't want to forgive her for letting me be the one to find her. I didn't want to forgive her for the unanswered questions. I didn't want to forgive her for the hurt left behind. I didn't want to forgive her for not being there for the big moments of my life. I didn't want to forgive her for leaving me.
At least that's what the last three years of my life have been. Anger, fear, regret, sadness, hurt... All the negative feeling words that should come after tragedy. And then I made a choice.
Towards the end of freshmen year I told my friends that I should probably go to counseling to deal with the effects of my mother's death, little did I know what that would actually mean. I went back to school for my sophomore year and saw that there was going to be a trauma processing group held by the counseling services at school. I kinda rolled my eyes and thought "Geez, God are you saying I have to go to counseling RIGHT NOW??!?!?! Because I'm not sure if I'm up for it." I don't know exactly how but I got up the courage to walk into a group of strangers and willingly gave them the most traumatic part of my life to process with me.
And it changed everything.
I had to relive everything. I had to sit down and write down every fact and feeling about that day. I had to say it out loud. I had to recognize that it's alright that I was hurt... I didn't have to pretend that this was all sunshine and butterflies and an inspirational piece. I had to face that I lost a lot more than just my mother. I learned that even though so much has been lost, it can be restored eventually. I had to sit there and give people the gritty details of how much I was hurt and how much it still hurt. I had to cry. I had to be vulnerable. And I'm so thankful that I did it and I did it with the group that I did. They have forever changed me.
I can look back at the beginning of the year and see that I am no longer the same person but I still feel as though I have so far to go. And another part of that journey happened today.
Because today is the 4th anniversary of my mother's death. It's been four years since Wednesday, May 19th 2010 and today I let go.
I bought "Headlights" and listened to it on repeat. I bought roses and took them to her grave. I couldn't find the grave at first but I starting crying as soon as I did. I knelt down and started cleaning the grass away and couldn't stop saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Mommy. I forgive you." But what I was thinking was:
"I'm so sorry I let it get this far. I'm so sorry I held onto this anger for this long. I forgive you for the hurt. I forgive you for everything that's happened. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't say I love you more. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
I got up and wiped my eyes. I got in my car and drove away, looking back at the roses as I went. I left it there. I took one last look and left it there. I left everything that makes this day awful. I left everything that's been pent up for the past four years. I graduated May 6th from the phases of trauma counseling but today was my tearful moving on ceremony.
I love you Mom and you were there for one of my big moments. I love you and I always have and I always will but I'm not going to hurt anymore because of this. I'm not going to be fearful anymore because of this.
I never thought that Eminem could encourage me to change my life. But I'm here, looking ahead instead of looking at the headlights in the rear view mirror and I'm thankful for Eminem.
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