A Figurative Amputee

It's been four years and I'm still not used to it and at the same time it's all I've ever known.

They say that losing someone important is like losing a limb. It becomes your new normal, sometimes you still get those phantom feelings and sometimes you forget you ever had it.

Sometimes it feels like I've been "on my own" forever- that there's never been a before. But I know there has been. I remember the long drives, the Wal-Mart runs, the countless hours at church, his messy office, our love of Dunkin, the wisdom that just oozed out of everything he said, the humor that oozed just as much, his willingness to serve and lead- all at the same time, his secret love of rom-coms, and  his heart that never ran out love no matter what. The thought of his heart turns on the water works every time.

Those moments remind me that there most certainly was a before, and sometimes it makes me wish that there wasn't a before because the reminders sting. And I know that I don't ever genuinely have that wish.

Sometimes I wonder if people notice what I'm missing. I'm sitting in the library and I wonder if they notice the girl without a father. If that's the only thing about me they notice. Do they only see the missing part of my heart? How many others are missing that same part of themselves?

The past couple years I just forgot that today was the anniversary. But this year, I was very aware of it's arrival, of it's scar and the absence that came with it. The feelings of loss, regret, nostalgia and longing are stronger than years past.

But I have learned....

Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal.

No matter how many times I have to learn. No matter how many times I hurt over the same wound. No matter how much I am missing from my heart. No matter how many times I am thought to be broken. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal. I'm never going to get the piece of my heart back. I'm never going to see him again in this life. But I can be healed, I can be whole. That's a journey that has been started and will continue for the rest of my life. My heart can be made whole, it can be restored. I am not empty, I am not lost, I am not pining for the past or what cannot ever be, I am not missing a part of myself. My life is not void of love or people who are on my side.

I am whole and I am never alone despite what I have lost.

... But Wasn't This Supposed to Happen?

So maybe you know about my adventure for an internship at Compassion International....guess what?

I didn't get it....

I know, I was a little bummed too. But more than that I was just plain confused. I was mainly confused because I was so certain that I was going to get the position. Not out of over confidence or arrogance but because I really thought that this is where I was supposed to go. I may have to recap a little bit...

I had my heart set on an internship in NYC at DoSomething.org. I was so set on this internship that I didn't even look at other internships until mid-October when I began to feel uneasy. They didn't have dates for the summer internship posted yet, they didn't have housing information, it wasn't entirely clear about whether you got paid and got college credit or it was an either or situation. I felt so uneasy and so stressed about something that wasn't going to happen for more than six months. Then I decided that I would start looking for something else or at least I started praying and hoping that something would present itself.

And that's where the Compassion internship came in.

I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed and suddenly a video for the Compassion internship came up. Coincidence? I didn't think so. There was such a strong pull that I had no other thought than to watch the video and explore. I looked on their information page and they had everything I was questioning about the other internship. They had the specific dates, they helped with housing, paid internship and college credit, and I would be able to go on a mission trip as part of the deal. It also had the bonus of a Christian organization. I don't get feelings of extreme peace about decisions very often so when I do, it's a big deal. The only other decision I felt this strongly about was my decision to attend TFC.  And that's exactly the same way I felt about this decision.

So I filled out the application less than one week after the position was posted. And then I waited .... and waited... and waited for a lot longer. I finally got an email that said the decision for a preliminary interview would be made the week of January 5th. That week was agony, but on Friday the 9th,  I received an email saying that I was chosen for a recorded interview.  The interview was due on the following Wednesday. So I did the interview and I thought I did as well as anyone could do. I was almost certain that I would be getting the position. Then not even a week later, I received my rejection email.

So what happened? I understand that for some reason or another I wasn't what they were looking for in an intern. For some reason, whether it was something on my resume or my interview or whatever, I wasn't chosen. And I'm okay with the rejection, that's not my issue here. My issue is  the "What happens now?" question. I thought that this is where God was going to send me. I thought that this was as perfect a fit as I possibly could have. I would be challenged but I would be comfortable with the organization and its mission. I thought He was giving me this overwhelming peace and that it was an indication that this is where I was supposed to go.

Was this supposed to be a test? To see if I could trust Him enough to follow His lead somewhere? To see if I could still trust Him when the very thing I thought He gave me was taken away? I thought I learned that lesson when I left my hometown and came to TFC. Was it to see if I could still find my worth when I was rejected and when I was accepted? Was there supposed to be a lesson? Maybe it was to be content in uncertainty because I certainly have issues with that. Maybe it was to trust even when I don't understand. Maybe I just need to stop over analyzing situations. Truth is, I don't have an answer to my question. I thought that maybe writing this would help me to make sense of it but I'm still confused. And I guess I will have to accept that on the next part of my adventure. All I know is that through the confusion I will follow God to my next "supposed to" and maybe make sense of it all along the way or maybe I won't. And even if it never makes sense, I will follow Him at the next stop and on the road in between because whatever comes to pass is supposed to happen.