They say that losing someone important is like losing a limb. It becomes your new normal, sometimes you still get those phantom feelings and sometimes you forget you ever had it.
Sometimes it feels like I've been "on my own" forever- that there's never been a before. But I know there has been. I remember the long drives, the Wal-Mart runs, the countless hours at church, his messy office, our love of Dunkin, the wisdom that just oozed out of everything he said, the humor that oozed just as much, his willingness to serve and lead- all at the same time, his secret love of rom-coms, and his heart that never ran out love no matter what. The thought of his heart turns on the water works every time.
Those moments remind me that there most certainly was a before, and sometimes it makes me wish that there wasn't a before because the reminders sting. And I know that I don't ever genuinely have that wish.
Sometimes I wonder if people notice what I'm missing. I'm sitting in the library and I wonder if they notice the girl without a father. If that's the only thing about me they notice. Do they only see the missing part of my heart? How many others are missing that same part of themselves?
The past couple years I just forgot that today was the anniversary. But this year, I was very aware of it's arrival, of it's scar and the absence that came with it. The feelings of loss, regret, nostalgia and longing are stronger than years past.
But I have learned....
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal.
No matter how many times I have to learn. No matter how many times I hurt over the same wound. No matter how much I am missing from my heart. No matter how many times I am thought to be broken. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal. I'm never going to get the piece of my heart back. I'm never going to see him again in this life. But I can be healed, I can be whole. That's a journey that has been started and will continue for the rest of my life. My heart can be made whole, it can be restored. I am not empty, I am not lost, I am not pining for the past or what cannot ever be, I am not missing a part of myself. My life is not void of love or people who are on my side.
I am whole and I am never alone despite what I have lost.
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