... But Wasn't This Supposed to Happen?

So maybe you know about my adventure for an internship at Compassion International....guess what?

I didn't get it....

I know, I was a little bummed too. But more than that I was just plain confused. I was mainly confused because I was so certain that I was going to get the position. Not out of over confidence or arrogance but because I really thought that this is where I was supposed to go. I may have to recap a little bit...

I had my heart set on an internship in NYC at DoSomething.org. I was so set on this internship that I didn't even look at other internships until mid-October when I began to feel uneasy. They didn't have dates for the summer internship posted yet, they didn't have housing information, it wasn't entirely clear about whether you got paid and got college credit or it was an either or situation. I felt so uneasy and so stressed about something that wasn't going to happen for more than six months. Then I decided that I would start looking for something else or at least I started praying and hoping that something would present itself.

And that's where the Compassion internship came in.

I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed and suddenly a video for the Compassion internship came up. Coincidence? I didn't think so. There was such a strong pull that I had no other thought than to watch the video and explore. I looked on their information page and they had everything I was questioning about the other internship. They had the specific dates, they helped with housing, paid internship and college credit, and I would be able to go on a mission trip as part of the deal. It also had the bonus of a Christian organization. I don't get feelings of extreme peace about decisions very often so when I do, it's a big deal. The only other decision I felt this strongly about was my decision to attend TFC.  And that's exactly the same way I felt about this decision.

So I filled out the application less than one week after the position was posted. And then I waited .... and waited... and waited for a lot longer. I finally got an email that said the decision for a preliminary interview would be made the week of January 5th. That week was agony, but on Friday the 9th,  I received an email saying that I was chosen for a recorded interview.  The interview was due on the following Wednesday. So I did the interview and I thought I did as well as anyone could do. I was almost certain that I would be getting the position. Then not even a week later, I received my rejection email.

So what happened? I understand that for some reason or another I wasn't what they were looking for in an intern. For some reason, whether it was something on my resume or my interview or whatever, I wasn't chosen. And I'm okay with the rejection, that's not my issue here. My issue is  the "What happens now?" question. I thought that this is where God was going to send me. I thought that this was as perfect a fit as I possibly could have. I would be challenged but I would be comfortable with the organization and its mission. I thought He was giving me this overwhelming peace and that it was an indication that this is where I was supposed to go.

Was this supposed to be a test? To see if I could trust Him enough to follow His lead somewhere? To see if I could still trust Him when the very thing I thought He gave me was taken away? I thought I learned that lesson when I left my hometown and came to TFC. Was it to see if I could still find my worth when I was rejected and when I was accepted? Was there supposed to be a lesson? Maybe it was to be content in uncertainty because I certainly have issues with that. Maybe it was to trust even when I don't understand. Maybe I just need to stop over analyzing situations. Truth is, I don't have an answer to my question. I thought that maybe writing this would help me to make sense of it but I'm still confused. And I guess I will have to accept that on the next part of my adventure. All I know is that through the confusion I will follow God to my next "supposed to" and maybe make sense of it all along the way or maybe I won't. And even if it never makes sense, I will follow Him at the next stop and on the road in between because whatever comes to pass is supposed to happen.