Love the Unwilling

I am the unwilling.

Not because I want to be, but in response to my circumstances, I have built a girl who is unable to trust, unwilling to accept love.  My mind has built this reality where love is rarely genuine, it is only charity, only pity, to the poor little girl who lost her parents. Sometimes I wear the identity of "orphan girl" proudly because it has drastically changed my life. And in some ways, rightfully so. Who could lose both parents at the age of sixteen and remain the same? In some ways it has made me a better person. I can wear that identity proudly because in a sense I am no longer an orphan. Yes, my mother and father died, but I have been "adopted" by so many people along the way. And as cheesy as it sounds, adopted by God.

Other times I try so hard to hide that my parents aren't here anymore. I try very hard for the rest of who I am to outshine the (for lack of a better word) "damaged" part of me. I try to let you see that I am funny, artistic, intelligent, nerdy, and everything else that I am before you get to see what death has done to my heart. Before you see the parts that I so desperately want change. The girl who is incredibly prideful and has a skewed view of independence. The one who is sarcastic and sassy and often rude in an attempt to keep people at a distance. The girl who became anxious about her future. The girl who is fearful of people and their paths of destruction... and their paths of grace.

Honestly, their grace is something that I am more fearful of most of the time. It's when they serve me when I believe that I am supposed to do it on my own. It's when they yell at me to share my life rather than living in self-inflicted isolation. It's when I try to keep track of what I "owe" in the relationship and it comes to a point where it's too much. It's when they give a response of kindness when I'm expecting anger. It's when they love me so well that it brings me to tears and humbles me.

It's when I feel like I have given them a million reasons to leave, and they choose to stay.

It's those moments that have changed me. It's those moments where I have seen that people can truly reflect the love of Christ. It's the moments that surprise me that have forced me to break down my walls brick by brick. It's those moments that ever so slowly change my heart.

I need to love the unwilling.

Because I have seen what love can do. Because I have seen that love and grace change things, change people... change me.

Because what I have been given, I need to give to others.

And it's not easy, not even a little bit.

I have seen people walk away when I try to support them. I have yelled at them to share their life because I can't guess what's going on. I have given them things and they keep trying to pay me back. I have sat and cried with them when they have expected judgment.

It's frustrating to stay sometimes. But I'm begging you, please stay. I promise that walls will come down. I promise that trust will be established. I promise that hearts will change, including your own. I promise that the love of Christ you show will not come back void. It may not be tomorrow, next week, a month from now or even years down the road. You may not even see the results, but love changes things... It changes everything. 

I still fight love. 

I will drag my feet when I have to be vulnerable. 

I will say no multiple times before accepting something. 

I won't cry in front of you because I feel I'm weak. 

It's my instinct. 

So, I'm fighting for love. 

I'm fighting to believe that you genuinely love me. 

I'm fighting to believe that our relationship isn't pity or charity. 

I'm fighting to love you the way that you love me. 

I'm fighting so one day I will no longer be unwilling. 

I am the unwilling... But love is changing me.