For When Joy Isn't Easy

There are nights that you never want to end, the laughter echos for the longest time.
There are days that are extremely mundane, but they are "the best days of your life".

There are nights where you beg for morning to come quicker just to say you've made it another day.
There are days where 2 pm feels like darkness suffocating you.

There are days, weeks, and months where you don't feel like yourself. Where regret, fear, and emptiness sink in and make their home in your chest.

There are semesters where you stare at your blank documents for assignments that were due forever ago, but you just can't string words into sentences.

There are times when people ask how you're doing and you answer "ehhh" because you don't really know the problem or how to explain something you don't understand yourself.

There are times when you are irritable with the people you love most and hurt them without intending to and without reason.

Sometimes you just think it's a bad attitude day but you know that it's so much deeper than that.

Sometimes you need to convince yourself that in spite of your muscles shaking, your heart racing, your chest heaving, that today is a good day.

Sometimes joy needs to be replaced with rage.

Because "Rage, rage against the dying of the light", even when taken completely out of context, reminds me to stay.
Because there are times when you can still laugh, but it doesn't feel the same.
Because there are times when you don't recognize yourself.
Because there are times when people will say "but you seem fine" as to rationalize away the internal struggle.
Because this isn't trivial.
Because sometimes you're in a better place than you were and you are still struggling.
Because fighting to stay is one of the most difficult fights.
Because fighting to feel alive after you have promised to stay is just as difficult.

Because I am angry.
I am angry that fear and anxiety are my normals.
I am angry that laughing is always seen as a sign of vitality.
I am angry that existing is so difficult sometimes.
I am angry that better doesn't always mean completely healed.

Because I want more.
I want to excel not just to do okay.
I want to be consistently joyful not just temporarily happy.

Because I have been here before and won.
I was here in high school.
I was here when my mother was gone too quickly.
I was here when I slowly said goodbye to my father.
I was here when I dealt with shame.

I won because God is still in the business of redemption.

Because He is a good, good Father.
Because He loves me when I feel distant.
Because I need him more than my stubborn and prideful self would care to admit.
Because He rescues the lost.
Because He can give me joy in the midst of darkness.

So, when joy isn't easy.....
I choose to laugh at my embarrassing moments.
I choose to sing that He is a good, good Father over and over.
I choose to dance in the parking lot even when security gives me weird looks.
I choose to take stupid pictures in an art museum that look like I'm doing the chicken dance.
I choose to be grateful in prayers that bring me to tears.
I choose to write to bring peace to my heart.
I choose to share stupid Tweets and Facebook posts that make me giggle.
I choose to watch Pride and Prejudice 1,000 times because I love it most ardently.
I choose to be around people who encourage, forgive, love, understand and pray.
I choose to give more of my heart to be transformed by a love so indescribable.
I choose to see another day.
I choose to continue to struggle for joy.