Reminders

Have you ever been in a place where you need a reminder about what you're doing or who you are? Have you thought that you weren't worthy of your dreams, let alone capable of fulfilling them?

Well, if you haven't, you're the lucky one. And I really do mean one because at some point I think all of us have felt that way at one point or another.

Stupid.

Unworthy.

Failure.

Need I say more? Do you understand what I'm talking about and how I've been feeling lately?

I don't know exactly why I was feeling like this but it was awful. My mind was just constantly saying to me that there was no possible way that I could fulfill my dreams or reach my goals. It was telling me that I'm too sinful for God to use me. That I shouldn't be in school anymore considering this past semester. That I'm not qualified for either of my current jobs or to get the internship that I want at Compassion. That I don't have what it takes to work with Women of Faith, write a book, or start my own non-profit. That I'm not worth the betterment of myself because I'll never get any better. Or that I'm not good enough the way I am  now... well, because I'm not better.

Now how am I going to achieve anything with thoughts like that?

I'm not and I won't.

But after an extremely bad night of this sort of thinking, I got a blessing. I woke up later than I should have for work and I was worried about the "Saturday before Christmas- last minute shopping" traffic. So I rushed to get ready, rushed to make a lunch, rushed to eat a breakfast, rushed to the car and rushed to work... only to get there almost 15 minutes early to sit awkwardly in the parking lot jamming to the radio before I entered the retail chaos.

So I did what any normal person does. I pulled out my phone and checked everything that I didn't have time to check in my rushing. Facebook- normal, Instagram- normal, Gmail-normal. And then my email downloaded more to my inbox.....

There was one email in particular.....

An email from Compassion International HR.

I was afraid that it was going to tell me what I had been convinced of recently.I thought it was going to tell me that  "I wasn't right" or "We're going to go in another direction" or "YOU SUCK". Ok, maybe not the last one but you get my point. But that's not what happened.  It told me that I have been accepted to the next stage of the application process. No, I didn't get the internship...... yet (hopefully). No, I didn't change miraculously overnight. None of my doubts were silenced but it came with a reminder that I desperately needed. It reminded me there is hope. That I can be chosen despite the lies I believe. That I have qualities that prove me to be capable. It reminded me that pretty much everything I've been worrying about is wrong. It was only an update email but it was just the thing I needed.... and I can't wait to see where it goes.