Dear Me, On this Day, the Last Five Years.

May 19th, 2010
Dear 16 year old me,
     I'm sorry. This day will divide your time for the rest of your life. It will be the time before Mom died and the time after. I wish you didn't pretend you were so tough and let people see how much you were hurting. This day was terrifying and it will take you a long time to admit that. Hey, it really wasn't your fault. You will need to hear that for the rest of your life. Life moments will be tough but you have so many people who love you who will be there, make sure you recognize that. Life goes on, it will be different, but it will go on. Go talk to Kayla, she'll help you figure out where to go next.

May 19th, 2011
Dear 17 year old me,
    You survived a year. You had your first birthday without your parents. It's been a rough and interesting year hasn't it? I know that you're still scared. I know that you act like it's ok when it really isn't. You'll learn to trust people with what's really going on, I promise. Now have fun tonight, or at least try. I know you will. How could you not have fun with Katlyn? Also, buying Justin Bieber shirts and singing Baby at the talent show with her is ridiculous. You'll need a lot of ridiculous in your life. Just pray that no one finds the video of this ridiculous act... they probably will but it's funny.

May 19th, 2012
Dear 18 year old me,
     It's prom day.  You'll be a little sad but your dress is gorgeous and your hair reminds me of Kitty from That 70s Show. Dance the night away with your friends, take pictures, go crazy. Katlyn is going to dance with a can of Sprite, make sure you laugh. You will always need laughter, find it everywhere you can. Go to the Hennings and watch Disney movies and eat ice cream with your friends. Have all the fun you can.

May 19th, 2013
Dear 19 year old me,
     You're home for today, probably the place that you needed to be. I think today was probably the hardest year. You were in a place that wasn't home, 800 miles away from home for a long time. You didn't know what to do or how to cope. That's ok, you'll figure it out. You'll heal.  But right now? Allow yourself to be hurt because it's still allowed to hurt. One day you'll heal, I promise.

May 19th, 2014
Dear 20 year old me,
   I'm so proud of you. You went to trauma counseling and a lot has changed. I think this was your year. I can't believe that Eminem helped you figure out how to forgive her but hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Go write your blog that almost 300 people will read, hang out with Alex, and forgive yourself.  Go visit your house, take all the time you need to say goodbye to all the negative moments of the past. Release your fear, it will take a while but it will be worth it. Never forget what happened, but never let it hold you back. Never let it paralyze you from living.

May 19th, 2015
Dear 21 year old me,
    This is it. The five year anniversary. You climbed stairs with Alissa and Gina... a lot of stairs. You're going to be in one of your "homes" surrounded by some of your best friends. You laughed and laughed some more. You're healing, even if you don't realize it. Pay attention to the sky, take in Tallulah Gorge, love this life- it's the only one you have. Today was good, you only cried at a movie- that's pretty good on an every day basis. I hope you know how loved you are, you better realize how good you have it and appreciate it every single day.  Don't let what you lost prevent you from realizing what you still have. You haven't lost everything, not even close.

It Will Be Okay, but Right Now It's Not

It's the least wonderful time of the year.

It's the time for things to grow, relationships to start, babies to be born, weddings to be planned and for the papers to be written, the nights to not be used for sleeping but work, the projects to be stressed over, the relationships to fall apart, the fallen humans to mess up, the goodbyes for good to happen.

If I'm honest, I'm at my wits end and this isn't even a difficult semester (compared to the last one at least).  I'm just done and I know that many of my friends and fellow college students are right here with me. I know because we post Buzzfeed articles to laugh at it but we're one typo in our paper from not being able to recover to emotional stability. I know because this is college and this is what happens, every year, without fail. And we all say the same thing to each other....

IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

And you know what? It probably will be. I will lose sleep, drink too much coffee, be hurt, hurt others, meet clean-up requirements, hand in assignments, pass my finals, pass my classes and say goodbye to some of my best friends. That will all happen and I will survive and I will look back and laugh at how stressed I was.

But right now? When I'm struggling to find motivation, the words, the time, sleep, and my sanity... I'm struggling.

It's okay that it's not okay. I would prefer that it would be okay but that's not how this whole college thing or even life thing works.

And in the midst of things not being okay, I will sit here. I will cry, scream, write, pray and trust. Trust that I'm not alone in my struggle or in my desire for things to be okay again. Trust that God is going to be here even when it doesn't seem like He's here. Trust that what I'm feeling is valid. Trust that sometimes emotions lie. Trust that I am going to make it through this semester even when I feel like a failure. Trust that no one is against me or wants to see me fail. Trust that it will be okay.

It's not okay, but it will be.... but in the meantime, it's okay to not be okay.

To Be Fully Known and Truly Loved

I love quotes. I have had an obsession with two quotes in particular recently. They have to do with love but I don't think it would be what you're expecting, so here they are:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."- C.S. Lewis


And the second....

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.- Timothy Keller


So that is my goal:

To be vulnerable. 
To give someone the chance to fully know me. 
To give myself the chance to be truly loved.
To fully know and truly love others.

I'm not even talking about a romantic relationship. I'm talking about any relationship that matters. Any relationship that is remotely deeper than a "Hey, how are you? Good?! Okay, bye" type of relationship. 

People deserve to see the real me. They deserve to know the person I am when I'm joyful, when I feel like my world is crashing around me, when I'm angry. They deserve more than just a shadow of who I am. They deserve a person of flesh and blood in front of them with feelings, thoughts, dreams, fears, opinions and questions. They deserve to know a person who they can come to and share their life with. They deserve to be trusted with who I am. 


They are worth trusting.

I am worth knowing. 

There is nothing about me that makes me not worth knowing. There is no sin, no mistake, no experience that deems me unworthy of love and unworthy of being known by another human being. I am not just skin and bones. I am not just my past or my future. I am not just any one thing. I am a complex and interwoven tapestry where each thread is crucial to the bigger picture.  

But to trust someone with the intricate details of my picture is terrifying. Why would I take the chance that they would decide that who I am isn't worth the effort of knowing and loving? I wouldn't. But should I take that chance? The answer is absolutely. But why? 

Because without vulnerability we cannot be loved.


Because I deserve to be fully known and truly love. I am worthy of being fully known and truly loved

And it is the same for them.

Giving Up "Giving Up"

I always find this time of year something that is worth writing about. I just think it's a perfect time for growth. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the beginning of Lent. The season where we sacrifice in order to focus our attention on Christ and His sacrifice.

Often times that isn't what it turns out to be. It often turns out to be something that we casually give up that really has no impact on our spiritual lives or our everyday life in the long run. I know, I've been there. I've given up chocolate, thought it was a true sacrifice, complained about it the whole way, never thought about Christ, and then binged on chocolate from the Easter Bunny.

I used to be really stupid at Lent, and sometimes I look back at the years I did something meaningful and I still feel stupid. I guess that is acceptable though when any sacrifice is dull compared to Christ's. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't sacrifice.

I really like Lent. I love the idea of it, the symbolism, the growth and everything about it. When people ask what my favorite holiday is, I should probably start answering with Lent. Despite my love for it, this year I felt like I had nothing to give up (hahaha jokes) or actually it was more like I didn't realize something that was an issue enough to give up for Lent. I'm done with giving up Facebook or my phone because I have learned that those are tools and that 40 days without them isn't good enough when it comes to how I use them in every day life. I won't give up chocolate or junk food because food has always been a struggle and giving it up for 40 days won't solve the deeper issue.

So I had no idea what I was going to give up for this year and with it already upon us, I considered not doing anything.

And then it came to me at 1 am after a snow day when I realized I hadn't done anything.

Now don't get me wrong. I love doing nothing and I think that every now and then doing nothing is good for the soul but today I should have been doing something. And I said I was going to be doing something.

That's my issue here, saying that I'm going to do something and I just never do it.

New year's resolutions, prayers, letters, tasks, books, diets- all examples of things I say I'll do but never do them. How many times have I said "I'll pray for you" but just give it a casual thought later on instead of thoughtful intercessory prayer? How many years have I made resolutions and just gave up not even a month into the new year?  How many tasks a day do I say I'll do and never do? Today's answer? Seven.... at least. I mean it was a snow day, I literally couldn't go anywhere and plenty of things to get done in my room. And none of it was rocket science or figuring out the cure for all known cancers. No, it was put my sheets on my bed that I washed on Thursday and still haven't put on but said I would every day since they were washed. It was write an email to counseling services that I've said I was going to write for probably over a year now. It was do my homework. I woke up at 10 am and by the time midnight came around I hadn't accomplished a single thing on my list.

I HADN'T ACCOMPLISHED A SINGLE THING.

So I did what everyone does, I complained to my roommate about not following through on anything and how I hate that I always do that and I wish I didn't and that if I could just quit that habit that maybe life would be better..... BLAH BLAH BLAH. I already proved that just because I said something doesn't mean that I actually do it.

I guess I found my sacrifice for Lent, it's giving up. It's the lack of follow through, it's the passivity and apathy towards every day things and the "big" things. It's not merely hearing but doing (James 1:22), it's putting faith and love into action. Jesus' sacrifice wasn't passive and neither should mine. It's the action of laying down my life, my will, my pride in order to do what I said I would. It's because I value what I want more than I what I should do. It's because I value myself more than others. It's because I value my comfort zone more than Jesus. And it's time to give up giving up and to give up doing what I want for myself.

Now this isn't something that will be given up for 40 days and then go back to the same old same old, it can't be. But consciously working for the next 40 days to give this up will have life long implications and that's the kind of thing that should be given up for Lent. My word needs to be followed by actions. My word should be sound and my actions proof of my words.

I'm ready to give up giving up because I said I would.

"Let Me Love You Anyways"

So the day before my birthday my brother and I went on a comic book store adventure and my friends threw me a superhero surprise party. On my birthday some of my friends and I went out. Over the course of the two days people put up pictures of us and said how much I mean to them. One of my friends even called me one of their heroes. People sent me text messages and Facebook posts that  made me cry. People took time out of their Saturday to eat tacos and watch a movie with me. Some people got me presents and some people graced me with their presence. And I was in heaven, I just felt so alive and satisfied and grateful and loved.

And then I felt guilty...

Last night I'm sitting in my bed reflecting on everything of the past couple days and birthdays from past years and I just start crying. At first it was because I was grateful for everything and everyone and then it turned into a weird negativity fest. My mind just kept going on and on with negative thoughts.

"You don't deserve these people"
"You don't deserve love of this magnitude"
"You don't deserve to be someone's hero"
"You don't deserve to mean something to anyone"
"You don't deserve friends because you don't act like a friend"
"You don't deserve to be loved in any capacity"

And I agreed with myself because, well, I was right. I don't deserve any of that. But I heard another voice and it said...

"Let me love you anyways. Let them love you anyways."

"You're right, you don't deserve any of this but I give you grace and love anyways, let me. Let me give you  people you don't deserve who love you with a magnitude you don't deserve so I can show you my love. So you in turn can learn to love those who don't deserve love. So let me in, let them in. Let us in despite you not deserving this. Let us in despite your brokenness, so that you may be made whole. Let us in so we can see your mess, not to harm or add more but to help you unpack and free you. Let us in despite the risk that comes with loving and letting someone love you. Let us in despite you not having it perfect, because that's not what we're looking for. Let us in so we can love you. Let me love you anyways. Let them love you anyways."

How could I argue with that?  I can't.

So love me anyways,  despite my fear, my mess, my imperfection, my unworthiness, and my brokenness.

Love me anyways so I can love them the way you love me.

Unconditionally.

A Figurative Amputee

It's been four years and I'm still not used to it and at the same time it's all I've ever known.

They say that losing someone important is like losing a limb. It becomes your new normal, sometimes you still get those phantom feelings and sometimes you forget you ever had it.

Sometimes it feels like I've been "on my own" forever- that there's never been a before. But I know there has been. I remember the long drives, the Wal-Mart runs, the countless hours at church, his messy office, our love of Dunkin, the wisdom that just oozed out of everything he said, the humor that oozed just as much, his willingness to serve and lead- all at the same time, his secret love of rom-coms, and  his heart that never ran out love no matter what. The thought of his heart turns on the water works every time.

Those moments remind me that there most certainly was a before, and sometimes it makes me wish that there wasn't a before because the reminders sting. And I know that I don't ever genuinely have that wish.

Sometimes I wonder if people notice what I'm missing. I'm sitting in the library and I wonder if they notice the girl without a father. If that's the only thing about me they notice. Do they only see the missing part of my heart? How many others are missing that same part of themselves?

The past couple years I just forgot that today was the anniversary. But this year, I was very aware of it's arrival, of it's scar and the absence that came with it. The feelings of loss, regret, nostalgia and longing are stronger than years past.

But I have learned....

Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal.

No matter how many times I have to learn. No matter how many times I hurt over the same wound. No matter how much I am missing from my heart. No matter how many times I am thought to be broken. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal. I'm never going to get the piece of my heart back. I'm never going to see him again in this life. But I can be healed, I can be whole. That's a journey that has been started and will continue for the rest of my life. My heart can be made whole, it can be restored. I am not empty, I am not lost, I am not pining for the past or what cannot ever be, I am not missing a part of myself. My life is not void of love or people who are on my side.

I am whole and I am never alone despite what I have lost.

... But Wasn't This Supposed to Happen?

So maybe you know about my adventure for an internship at Compassion International....guess what?

I didn't get it....

I know, I was a little bummed too. But more than that I was just plain confused. I was mainly confused because I was so certain that I was going to get the position. Not out of over confidence or arrogance but because I really thought that this is where I was supposed to go. I may have to recap a little bit...

I had my heart set on an internship in NYC at DoSomething.org. I was so set on this internship that I didn't even look at other internships until mid-October when I began to feel uneasy. They didn't have dates for the summer internship posted yet, they didn't have housing information, it wasn't entirely clear about whether you got paid and got college credit or it was an either or situation. I felt so uneasy and so stressed about something that wasn't going to happen for more than six months. Then I decided that I would start looking for something else or at least I started praying and hoping that something would present itself.

And that's where the Compassion internship came in.

I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed and suddenly a video for the Compassion internship came up. Coincidence? I didn't think so. There was such a strong pull that I had no other thought than to watch the video and explore. I looked on their information page and they had everything I was questioning about the other internship. They had the specific dates, they helped with housing, paid internship and college credit, and I would be able to go on a mission trip as part of the deal. It also had the bonus of a Christian organization. I don't get feelings of extreme peace about decisions very often so when I do, it's a big deal. The only other decision I felt this strongly about was my decision to attend TFC.  And that's exactly the same way I felt about this decision.

So I filled out the application less than one week after the position was posted. And then I waited .... and waited... and waited for a lot longer. I finally got an email that said the decision for a preliminary interview would be made the week of January 5th. That week was agony, but on Friday the 9th,  I received an email saying that I was chosen for a recorded interview.  The interview was due on the following Wednesday. So I did the interview and I thought I did as well as anyone could do. I was almost certain that I would be getting the position. Then not even a week later, I received my rejection email.

So what happened? I understand that for some reason or another I wasn't what they were looking for in an intern. For some reason, whether it was something on my resume or my interview or whatever, I wasn't chosen. And I'm okay with the rejection, that's not my issue here. My issue is  the "What happens now?" question. I thought that this is where God was going to send me. I thought that this was as perfect a fit as I possibly could have. I would be challenged but I would be comfortable with the organization and its mission. I thought He was giving me this overwhelming peace and that it was an indication that this is where I was supposed to go.

Was this supposed to be a test? To see if I could trust Him enough to follow His lead somewhere? To see if I could still trust Him when the very thing I thought He gave me was taken away? I thought I learned that lesson when I left my hometown and came to TFC. Was it to see if I could still find my worth when I was rejected and when I was accepted? Was there supposed to be a lesson? Maybe it was to be content in uncertainty because I certainly have issues with that. Maybe it was to trust even when I don't understand. Maybe I just need to stop over analyzing situations. Truth is, I don't have an answer to my question. I thought that maybe writing this would help me to make sense of it but I'm still confused. And I guess I will have to accept that on the next part of my adventure. All I know is that through the confusion I will follow God to my next "supposed to" and maybe make sense of it all along the way or maybe I won't. And even if it never makes sense, I will follow Him at the next stop and on the road in between because whatever comes to pass is supposed to happen.