Giving Up "Giving Up"

I always find this time of year something that is worth writing about. I just think it's a perfect time for growth. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the beginning of Lent. The season where we sacrifice in order to focus our attention on Christ and His sacrifice.

Often times that isn't what it turns out to be. It often turns out to be something that we casually give up that really has no impact on our spiritual lives or our everyday life in the long run. I know, I've been there. I've given up chocolate, thought it was a true sacrifice, complained about it the whole way, never thought about Christ, and then binged on chocolate from the Easter Bunny.

I used to be really stupid at Lent, and sometimes I look back at the years I did something meaningful and I still feel stupid. I guess that is acceptable though when any sacrifice is dull compared to Christ's. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't sacrifice.

I really like Lent. I love the idea of it, the symbolism, the growth and everything about it. When people ask what my favorite holiday is, I should probably start answering with Lent. Despite my love for it, this year I felt like I had nothing to give up (hahaha jokes) or actually it was more like I didn't realize something that was an issue enough to give up for Lent. I'm done with giving up Facebook or my phone because I have learned that those are tools and that 40 days without them isn't good enough when it comes to how I use them in every day life. I won't give up chocolate or junk food because food has always been a struggle and giving it up for 40 days won't solve the deeper issue.

So I had no idea what I was going to give up for this year and with it already upon us, I considered not doing anything.

And then it came to me at 1 am after a snow day when I realized I hadn't done anything.

Now don't get me wrong. I love doing nothing and I think that every now and then doing nothing is good for the soul but today I should have been doing something. And I said I was going to be doing something.

That's my issue here, saying that I'm going to do something and I just never do it.

New year's resolutions, prayers, letters, tasks, books, diets- all examples of things I say I'll do but never do them. How many times have I said "I'll pray for you" but just give it a casual thought later on instead of thoughtful intercessory prayer? How many years have I made resolutions and just gave up not even a month into the new year?  How many tasks a day do I say I'll do and never do? Today's answer? Seven.... at least. I mean it was a snow day, I literally couldn't go anywhere and plenty of things to get done in my room. And none of it was rocket science or figuring out the cure for all known cancers. No, it was put my sheets on my bed that I washed on Thursday and still haven't put on but said I would every day since they were washed. It was write an email to counseling services that I've said I was going to write for probably over a year now. It was do my homework. I woke up at 10 am and by the time midnight came around I hadn't accomplished a single thing on my list.

I HADN'T ACCOMPLISHED A SINGLE THING.

So I did what everyone does, I complained to my roommate about not following through on anything and how I hate that I always do that and I wish I didn't and that if I could just quit that habit that maybe life would be better..... BLAH BLAH BLAH. I already proved that just because I said something doesn't mean that I actually do it.

I guess I found my sacrifice for Lent, it's giving up. It's the lack of follow through, it's the passivity and apathy towards every day things and the "big" things. It's not merely hearing but doing (James 1:22), it's putting faith and love into action. Jesus' sacrifice wasn't passive and neither should mine. It's the action of laying down my life, my will, my pride in order to do what I said I would. It's because I value what I want more than I what I should do. It's because I value myself more than others. It's because I value my comfort zone more than Jesus. And it's time to give up giving up and to give up doing what I want for myself.

Now this isn't something that will be given up for 40 days and then go back to the same old same old, it can't be. But consciously working for the next 40 days to give this up will have life long implications and that's the kind of thing that should be given up for Lent. My word needs to be followed by actions. My word should be sound and my actions proof of my words.

I'm ready to give up giving up because I said I would.

"Let Me Love You Anyways"

So the day before my birthday my brother and I went on a comic book store adventure and my friends threw me a superhero surprise party. On my birthday some of my friends and I went out. Over the course of the two days people put up pictures of us and said how much I mean to them. One of my friends even called me one of their heroes. People sent me text messages and Facebook posts that  made me cry. People took time out of their Saturday to eat tacos and watch a movie with me. Some people got me presents and some people graced me with their presence. And I was in heaven, I just felt so alive and satisfied and grateful and loved.

And then I felt guilty...

Last night I'm sitting in my bed reflecting on everything of the past couple days and birthdays from past years and I just start crying. At first it was because I was grateful for everything and everyone and then it turned into a weird negativity fest. My mind just kept going on and on with negative thoughts.

"You don't deserve these people"
"You don't deserve love of this magnitude"
"You don't deserve to be someone's hero"
"You don't deserve to mean something to anyone"
"You don't deserve friends because you don't act like a friend"
"You don't deserve to be loved in any capacity"

And I agreed with myself because, well, I was right. I don't deserve any of that. But I heard another voice and it said...

"Let me love you anyways. Let them love you anyways."

"You're right, you don't deserve any of this but I give you grace and love anyways, let me. Let me give you  people you don't deserve who love you with a magnitude you don't deserve so I can show you my love. So you in turn can learn to love those who don't deserve love. So let me in, let them in. Let us in despite you not deserving this. Let us in despite your brokenness, so that you may be made whole. Let us in so we can see your mess, not to harm or add more but to help you unpack and free you. Let us in despite the risk that comes with loving and letting someone love you. Let us in despite you not having it perfect, because that's not what we're looking for. Let us in so we can love you. Let me love you anyways. Let them love you anyways."

How could I argue with that?  I can't.

So love me anyways,  despite my fear, my mess, my imperfection, my unworthiness, and my brokenness.

Love me anyways so I can love them the way you love me.

Unconditionally.

A Figurative Amputee

It's been four years and I'm still not used to it and at the same time it's all I've ever known.

They say that losing someone important is like losing a limb. It becomes your new normal, sometimes you still get those phantom feelings and sometimes you forget you ever had it.

Sometimes it feels like I've been "on my own" forever- that there's never been a before. But I know there has been. I remember the long drives, the Wal-Mart runs, the countless hours at church, his messy office, our love of Dunkin, the wisdom that just oozed out of everything he said, the humor that oozed just as much, his willingness to serve and lead- all at the same time, his secret love of rom-coms, and  his heart that never ran out love no matter what. The thought of his heart turns on the water works every time.

Those moments remind me that there most certainly was a before, and sometimes it makes me wish that there wasn't a before because the reminders sting. And I know that I don't ever genuinely have that wish.

Sometimes I wonder if people notice what I'm missing. I'm sitting in the library and I wonder if they notice the girl without a father. If that's the only thing about me they notice. Do they only see the missing part of my heart? How many others are missing that same part of themselves?

The past couple years I just forgot that today was the anniversary. But this year, I was very aware of it's arrival, of it's scar and the absence that came with it. The feelings of loss, regret, nostalgia and longing are stronger than years past.

But I have learned....

Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal.

No matter how many times I have to learn. No matter how many times I hurt over the same wound. No matter how much I am missing from my heart. No matter how many times I am thought to be broken. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal. I'm never going to get the piece of my heart back. I'm never going to see him again in this life. But I can be healed, I can be whole. That's a journey that has been started and will continue for the rest of my life. My heart can be made whole, it can be restored. I am not empty, I am not lost, I am not pining for the past or what cannot ever be, I am not missing a part of myself. My life is not void of love or people who are on my side.

I am whole and I am never alone despite what I have lost.

... But Wasn't This Supposed to Happen?

So maybe you know about my adventure for an internship at Compassion International....guess what?

I didn't get it....

I know, I was a little bummed too. But more than that I was just plain confused. I was mainly confused because I was so certain that I was going to get the position. Not out of over confidence or arrogance but because I really thought that this is where I was supposed to go. I may have to recap a little bit...

I had my heart set on an internship in NYC at DoSomething.org. I was so set on this internship that I didn't even look at other internships until mid-October when I began to feel uneasy. They didn't have dates for the summer internship posted yet, they didn't have housing information, it wasn't entirely clear about whether you got paid and got college credit or it was an either or situation. I felt so uneasy and so stressed about something that wasn't going to happen for more than six months. Then I decided that I would start looking for something else or at least I started praying and hoping that something would present itself.

And that's where the Compassion internship came in.

I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed and suddenly a video for the Compassion internship came up. Coincidence? I didn't think so. There was such a strong pull that I had no other thought than to watch the video and explore. I looked on their information page and they had everything I was questioning about the other internship. They had the specific dates, they helped with housing, paid internship and college credit, and I would be able to go on a mission trip as part of the deal. It also had the bonus of a Christian organization. I don't get feelings of extreme peace about decisions very often so when I do, it's a big deal. The only other decision I felt this strongly about was my decision to attend TFC.  And that's exactly the same way I felt about this decision.

So I filled out the application less than one week after the position was posted. And then I waited .... and waited... and waited for a lot longer. I finally got an email that said the decision for a preliminary interview would be made the week of January 5th. That week was agony, but on Friday the 9th,  I received an email saying that I was chosen for a recorded interview.  The interview was due on the following Wednesday. So I did the interview and I thought I did as well as anyone could do. I was almost certain that I would be getting the position. Then not even a week later, I received my rejection email.

So what happened? I understand that for some reason or another I wasn't what they were looking for in an intern. For some reason, whether it was something on my resume or my interview or whatever, I wasn't chosen. And I'm okay with the rejection, that's not my issue here. My issue is  the "What happens now?" question. I thought that this is where God was going to send me. I thought that this was as perfect a fit as I possibly could have. I would be challenged but I would be comfortable with the organization and its mission. I thought He was giving me this overwhelming peace and that it was an indication that this is where I was supposed to go.

Was this supposed to be a test? To see if I could trust Him enough to follow His lead somewhere? To see if I could still trust Him when the very thing I thought He gave me was taken away? I thought I learned that lesson when I left my hometown and came to TFC. Was it to see if I could still find my worth when I was rejected and when I was accepted? Was there supposed to be a lesson? Maybe it was to be content in uncertainty because I certainly have issues with that. Maybe it was to trust even when I don't understand. Maybe I just need to stop over analyzing situations. Truth is, I don't have an answer to my question. I thought that maybe writing this would help me to make sense of it but I'm still confused. And I guess I will have to accept that on the next part of my adventure. All I know is that through the confusion I will follow God to my next "supposed to" and maybe make sense of it all along the way or maybe I won't. And even if it never makes sense, I will follow Him at the next stop and on the road in between because whatever comes to pass is supposed to happen.

Reminders

Have you ever been in a place where you need a reminder about what you're doing or who you are? Have you thought that you weren't worthy of your dreams, let alone capable of fulfilling them?

Well, if you haven't, you're the lucky one. And I really do mean one because at some point I think all of us have felt that way at one point or another.

Stupid.

Unworthy.

Failure.

Need I say more? Do you understand what I'm talking about and how I've been feeling lately?

I don't know exactly why I was feeling like this but it was awful. My mind was just constantly saying to me that there was no possible way that I could fulfill my dreams or reach my goals. It was telling me that I'm too sinful for God to use me. That I shouldn't be in school anymore considering this past semester. That I'm not qualified for either of my current jobs or to get the internship that I want at Compassion. That I don't have what it takes to work with Women of Faith, write a book, or start my own non-profit. That I'm not worth the betterment of myself because I'll never get any better. Or that I'm not good enough the way I am  now... well, because I'm not better.

Now how am I going to achieve anything with thoughts like that?

I'm not and I won't.

But after an extremely bad night of this sort of thinking, I got a blessing. I woke up later than I should have for work and I was worried about the "Saturday before Christmas- last minute shopping" traffic. So I rushed to get ready, rushed to make a lunch, rushed to eat a breakfast, rushed to the car and rushed to work... only to get there almost 15 minutes early to sit awkwardly in the parking lot jamming to the radio before I entered the retail chaos.

So I did what any normal person does. I pulled out my phone and checked everything that I didn't have time to check in my rushing. Facebook- normal, Instagram- normal, Gmail-normal. And then my email downloaded more to my inbox.....

There was one email in particular.....

An email from Compassion International HR.

I was afraid that it was going to tell me what I had been convinced of recently.I thought it was going to tell me that  "I wasn't right" or "We're going to go in another direction" or "YOU SUCK". Ok, maybe not the last one but you get my point. But that's not what happened.  It told me that I have been accepted to the next stage of the application process. No, I didn't get the internship...... yet (hopefully). No, I didn't change miraculously overnight. None of my doubts were silenced but it came with a reminder that I desperately needed. It reminded me there is hope. That I can be chosen despite the lies I believe. That I have qualities that prove me to be capable. It reminded me that pretty much everything I've been worrying about is wrong. It was only an update email but it was just the thing I needed.... and I can't wait to see where it goes.

Dear Tenth Avenue North

Dear Tenth Avenue North,
        You probably don't remember me, actually I could almost guarantee that you don't remember me. As a middle schooler, my mom and I made a "green room" for you before you put on a concert at our church. It was probably right after you made "Over and Underneath". You were still selling "God with Us" and "Speaking of Silence" at  your merch table. "Your Love is Life" is still one of my all time favorite songs.  My dad had a conversation with Jason where my dad said "My daughter really likes the Oh, Oh, Oh song"..... he was talking about "Times." Talk about embarrassing. You stayed with us and led worship on the Sunday mornings after the times you were there for your concerts. I bought the CDs and listened to them more than I probably should have.

      But none of that is really the point of this. I'm not trying to be smug and say that I loved you before you were cool or that I'm your number one fan.... Mostly because I think those statements are weird. But I do want to thank you and tell you how much you have changed my life.

      You see, I never heard music like yours and I doubt I will ever hear music like yours again. Your music handles the difficult things. So much of Christian music talks about love and joy and all the positives. While that's all well and good, it's not enough for me. I've been through too much to pretend that rainbows and butterflies are the poster children of Christianity. Your music doesn't shy away from the difficulties. It doesn't shy away from the fact that while I know I am worth something, I still feel as though I'm completely worthless. It doesn't shy away from the brokenness that comes before satisfaction. It doesn't shy away from the desperation and the heart break. It doesn't shy away from the fact that there are days when survival is the only objective. It doesn't shy away from the shame of sin or why I still go back to sin when Jesus is right there. It doesn't shy away that in the midst of every situation there is hope. It doesn't shy away from that fact that I don't deserve anything that God gives me, his grace is more abundant than my downfalls. It doesn't cheapen love or make it seem like we're perfect. I've never seen Christian music be so honest and authentic.

      When you started your music, I just loved it and then I went through life I understood why I loved it. You said in the pamphlet of "Cathedrals", "We don't know where this group of songs finds you, but we have some hopes for where they'll lead." I can't tell you where I'm going but I sure can tell you that each of your albums found me exactly where I was. "Over and Underneath" found me when I needed to know that I am and always will be loved. "Light Meets the Dark" found me in a place where I was struggling to figure out the battle within my heart, what side I would be on and who would win.  "The Struggle" found me when living every day was a great success and when I struggled with sin and it's consequences. "Islands EP" found me on an island of my own creation because of my own pride and stubbornness. And now "Cathedrals", has found me on the journey off my island to becoming his cathedral.

       If I never heard your music, I probably wouldn't be where I am. I would have never realized the beauty of struggling. I never would have learned the depth and unconditionality of real love. I would have never learned that feeling and thinking that I'm less than alright doesn't define me or the way God sees me. I would have thought that I was alone in all my struggles. I would have believed that redemption doesn't win at the end of the day. I would have stilled believe that I am not worth saving and that no one wants to save me.  I would have never survived the deaths of my parents or the battles of my own mind

     I want you to know that your music will never be void of life changing power. And I believe that because I whole heartedly believe that Christ is the reason you  create. You see and know the truth and desire others to do  the same. I still don't think I'm putting into words the magnitude of the impact you have had on my life and my relationship with Christ. I don't think I could ever express how grateful I am for your existence and your music but I needed to try. I don't even know if you will ever see this but I hope you will and I hope you know that you are making a vast difference in lives. Thank you for putting your hearts into words and those words into songs, it has made all the difference.
                 
                                                                                               With all my heart,
                                                                                                        Marilyn

Hanging Up My Cape

For those of you who know me, even casually, you know that I love superheroes. Heck, if you've heard my name on campus, it was probably followed by the phrase, "Ya know, she's the huge superhero nerd." It's an identity that I'm more than happy to own up to. For those of you who know me on a different and somewhat deeper level, you know why I love superheroes and that I want to be one. For those of you that know me best, you know that I already pretend to be a hero.... and that's where this is starting.

Let's talk about how it's after 2 am, I'm awake and I'm writing this. It's not because I really want to either, it's genuinely because I need to. 20,000 things are constantly going on in my head that confusion through music and clarity through writing are sometimes the only things to calm me down. I have 18 credit hours, a new leadership position, a job back home, future stuff, health stuff, spiritual stuff and relationship stuff. Now the way I just said that makes it seem like it's not that crazy but every single day I'm on the edge of a break down.

Granted, the fault is mine. I chose to take 6 classes, most of them with an extremely heavy reading load that is necessary for grasping the concepts of the course and to receive a decent grade. I chose to revamp the student run radio station. I chose to work on some weekends during the school year. I chose to start my internship research way earlier than I probably needed to. I chose (to an extent) the health issues I deal with. I chose to screw up and deal with my consequences. I chose to be in friendships with the people around me.I chose to worry about things that are beyond my control. I chose this and I completely overestimated myself.

How did I not see that this is most definitely not something that I can handle?

How did I not learn my lesson from last year? Seriously, go read "Defeat is Better than Victory" and you may feel a little nauseous from the déjà vu. Did I think that I learned my lesson about handling things last year so I thought I could manage more than I broke down with last year? 

Most of the time, I think that it's God beating into my head to stop being so prideful. And then once again I ask the same question.

HOW HAVE I NOT LEARNED MY LESSON!?

This question is so important that it needs all the typical ways of drawing your eye to something of significance. You would think that by now I would understand how fallen I am, how unqualified I am, how foolish I am, how blatantly stupid I sometimes am but apparently not. How can I go through losing both my parents and major seasons of life since then and still believe I have even a sliver of control?

This is completely ironic but "When A Heart Breaks" by Ben Rector just started playing on my ITunes. For those of you that don't know this song, go look it up but I'll put some lyrics up that made me tear up from relevance:

I knew I was fine about this time yesterday

I don't need answers

I just need some peace

I just need someone who could help me get some sleep

Who could help me get some sleep

This isn't easy

This isn't clear

And you don't need Jesus

Til you're here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

He's right, this isn't easy and this isn't clear. But I don't need Jesus until I'm here.  Because a prideful heart won't accept him since I believe I can save the world and not to mention myself. And I guess that's what I've been missing. I can't have Jesus fix me unless I acknowledge I'm broken. He knows I'm broken, He knows how badly I struggle with surviving one day to the next. That's not the point of this, his point is for me to know his heart and to know I'm broken , and there is only one way to do that. So go ahead, break my heart, break my spirit, shatter my expectations because it brings me to you, my true hero. I can pretend that I'm a hero all I want but it won't mean anything because I can't genuinely save myself (despite what I think). So maybe by taking off the mask, stepping out of the costume, and hanging up the cape, I'll be willing to be rescued. 

Thank you for taking the time with your stubborn student. Thank you for making sure I understand the joys of being broken. Thank you for making me realize I need you. Thank you for late nights, confusion, doubts, and struggles that break me. Thank you for desiring me and desiring for me to know you and your heart. Thank you for being my hero. Thank you for the opportunity to hang up my cape on your cross. And thank you for in the future when I attempt to take it down again, the chances you will give for me to hang it back up.